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We White Folks Are Apparently Very Bummed Out About No Longer Being America's Majority

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Damn. Now I'm all in a twist. There are three separate stories in The New York Times today dealing directly or indirectly with my people. White people. I think I need some kind of a do-over on that whole "my people" question. Let me explain.

First there's a story quoting Census officials saying that the United States is becoming what the demographers apparently intend to call a "plurality" nation. That means pretty soon nobody will be in the majority any more.

That means us. White people. C'mon. Who do you think they're talking about? Who was ever in the majority? So who's not going to be soon? Now we're a "plurality" instead? Isn't that just as good? Yeah, right. Is being ambitious just as good as being rich? Last time I checked, they only took money at the grocery store. If you're the majority, you run things. When you're demoted to a plurality, you wish you could still run things.

Then there's a story about Hispanic leaders telling the Congress to get something done about comprehensive immigration reform ... OR ELSE.

"We have worked to build our power and now we intend to use it," one Latino leader is quoted saying.

Yikes.

Next there's an op-ed piece by Charles Blow, who is probably the most incisive interpreter of social statistics in the country today, writing about the "browning" (I might say un-whitening) of America and whether it's OK now for white people to bitch and moan about being an oppressed minority.

"When will public displays of white pride become culturally acceptable?" Blow asks. "Will they forever be freighted with the weight of history -- tantamount to gloating about privilege? Or should all racial and cultural pride be viewed more or less the same?"

Oh my God. He's being so sweet. Did you pick up on his use of the third person plural there: "Will they..." Now The New York Times calls us "they." We are so toast. When the major media start calling you "they," when they start feeling sorry for you and telling you they understand why you're so touchy, you are social political toast.

Blow's piece talks about some nitwit shallow-end-of-the-gene-pool white-pride movement on certain college campuses called "Youth for Western Civilization," in which I assume the definition of Western Civilization is probably taken mainly from John Wayne movies, whether the youth realize it or not. Blow gets all patronizing about how maybe non-whites need to be more understanding of this type of white behavior.

You know where this road leads, right? They start feeling sorry for us. They understand us. They have empathy. You and I both know what's on down that road. White-face comedy. They'll have whole movies about ditzy white chicks named Brittany and Tiffany who make white people look like imbeciles every time they open their mouths. Oh, wait. We already have that. No, correction: THEY already have that.

So what's my do-over? More white pride action? Geezers for Western Civilization? I don't think so. Count me out on that one, bro'. I don't see a future there.

Here is the do-over I suggest. Do you know of a way that anybody can prove you are white? You remember the old one-drop theory, right? Sure you do: we invented it. One drop of black blood makes you black. Well, we've all got a drop somewhere.

As I understand it, the law says I am whatever ethnicity I say I am. So I'm about to start saying. Now all I have to decide is which box to check on all those nosy forms I have to fill out. Shall I be black? Hispanic? How about "other"?

THEY can't stop me. I can be whatever I want to be. And now that being white no longer carries the clout of being the majority, I need to do the math on some of the negatives still implied.

I'm bailin' man. I intend to un-pass. And by the way, if I do pass you on campus where you have your little white pride booth set up out there selling gingerbread cookies made to look like black people, do me a favor, will you? Act like you don't know me. Just say to yourself, "There's another white brother, trying to un-pass." I'll do the same for you when your time comes.

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