Cheap Bastard

Doughnuts, Chinese and Mexican -- the Lunch of Champions

In her never-ending pursuit to murder her colon, this week the Cheap Bastard spends a few nickels at Texas Garden, 8420 Park Lane, and a few other places that were the same place or something.

Drips of water that fell from the ceiling onto the counter as I waited for my food count: 45 Times I asked myself, "Is this real life?!": 4

If water dripping from the ceiling is a lunch spot deal-breaker, then Texas Garden Chinese Food and Banquetes Mexicanos isn't the place for you. But, if you can get over that, may I welcome you to the most amazing combo-cuisine restaurant I've ever encountered.

Although there are three different signs on the front of this building (the sign for Texas Garden boasting both Chinese food and Mexican food and offering you nothing that would come out of an actual Texas Garden, the one for The Little Mexico that mentions authentic tacos and a third for The Little Mexico Panaderia y Pasteleria), there are no walls between the restaurants. And although they ring you up at multiple registers, they all share one machine for running credit cards.

So what? SO THAT MEANS CRAZY COMBO LUNCHTIME ACTIVATE!!!!

If you're a badass, you'll do what I did: You'll treat this restaurant like the surprise buffet that it obviously is. You'll walk up to the lady at Texas Garden and say, "One Mongolian beef (meat only), please!" and then you'll hand her your credit card and she'll run all the way over to the register at The Little Mexico and swipe your card ($4.87). While she's making that food, you'll go to the taco artists at The Little Mexico and order two tacos al pastor and a gordita ($4.28). Then, you'll make friends with the guy at the doughnut counter, and he'll be all, "Chocolate-covered doughnut with sprinkles?" and you'll be all, "Fuck yes, please!" and you'll try to hand him your credit card, and he'll laugh and say, "60 cents," and you'll go, "Oh, here's a dollar." And his face will smile, but his pointing finger will say to you, "Pay over there at the Little Mexico register."

For lunch, you will have ordered Mongolian beef, two tacos, a gordita and, hell yes, you also got a muhfukkin' chocolate-and-sprinkles-covered doughnut. The gordita will be the highlight -- it was all the good things about a sopapilla plus juicy meat action.

You will suddenly love America, Land of Combo-Cuisine Lunch Opportunity, one thousand million percent more. Because today, you said, "I want lunch," and America was all, "Oh, you're not sure what you want? NO PROBLEM EAT EVERYTHING!!! TACOS AND DOUGHNUTS!! AAAAAH!! FREEDOM!!"

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade