Cheap Bastard


Lunch specials starting at $5.29

Small margarita: 99 cents Monday-Friday

Free chips and salsa count: 1

Hairy eyeball count from the hostess: 3

"Do you want some more water?" count: 22

I was driving around Oak Cliff looking for a place to eat for cheap (I know Oak Cliff is known for its fancy dining and valet-only parking, but I thought I'd take a chance), and I turned the corner onto Davis Street and there it was: Tejano Restaurant. I don't think my mind could have made up a more perfectly stereotypical Mexican restaurant. The name? Perfect. The parking lot so full of double-parked F-350s that I had to make the block and wait for someone to pack the family up and leave? Awesome. The sirens that were blaring and headed in my direction as I walked through the front door? Oh, hell yeah, this shit is going to taste good.The menu says Tejano Restaurant, but the décor says, "Who gives a fornication about décor, you asshole? Suck down that neon green margarita, eat up that cheese enchilada with rice and a meat taco, pay me $6.29 plus tax and get your fat ass out of here so somebody else's fat ass can fill up this booth and pay me." I think it used to be a hotel. Or a movie theater. Or a restaurant that looked new 20 years ago.They have a whole page of lunch specials, most costing about $5.29. I got the No. 1 (mainly because ordering the No. 2 seemed like asking for it). The cheese enchilada was everything you could want from a cheese enchilada, plus meat sauce. And, they drop it on the plate practically on top of the rice, so you get that good rice-plus-sauce mixture, which is really the only reason I order enchiladas in the first place. It was the shit. For beverages, they've got a special on small margaritas for 99 cents each, Monday through Friday. And it was Monday through Friday, so I ordered one. Sadly, I only got through about 39 cents of my antifreeze-inspired frozen cocktail. I got a green-food-coloring-when- the-shit-am-I-going-to-get-to-the-tequila- but-seriously-where-the-shit-is-the-tequila-in-this-thing brain freeze and had to call it quits. It was pretty awful, taste-wise. I know what you're thinking, "You whore! It was a 99-cent margarita. What did you expect?" First off, you're totally right about the whore thing. I'm a big old whore. About the margarita thing—I didn't expect it to be the best margarita I've ever had in my life. I did, however, expect it to not taste like moldy limes and butt. This was clearly my mistake.

Tired of spending $10 for a mediocre lunch? Let Cheap Bastard show you how to spend way less for something better.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade

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