National TV Dinner Day happened. Which is probably as underwhelming as the frozen chunks of processed "food" this day attempts to celebrate. So let's discuss the horrifying, shameful crap hidden in the back of your freezer, shall we? Specifically, the worst ones to ever exist in the frozen tundra wasteland of the grocery store.
1. Hungry Man. Aside from being borderline sexist (women get hungry too, ya dicks), Hungry Man is gross if only because its claim to greatness is the "Over 1 lb of Food!"on the packaging. Great. Because that's what you want your husband to shove into his face before you both crawl into a pile of fart-trapping flannel sheets, a pound of processed food!
2. Lean Cuisine
Have you ever been forced by circumstance to horf down one of these blocks of icy shitfish surrounded by some kind of flaccid starch and sad broccoli? Holy colon spasm, it's so bad. And never gets me to 4 p.m. safely.
3. Kid Cuisine
If you have kids in your life, you know these are not only just slightly more palatable than a dead rat but also a complete engineering failure. Multiple foods with multiple heating demands and everything gets nuked at one billion degrees for four minutes and your kids gets frozen pizza and a block of pudding charcoal that's hotter than the surface of the fucking sun. At least that duck on the box is fun to look at while you make something else for your kid.
4. Marie Callender's Chicken Pot Pie
Your argument is invalid. Nothing sold for three dollars is also worth six hours in the oven. That's just a strange, disproportionate way of feeding yourself.
5. This thing
A little dry, in my humble opinion.
Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.