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What Downtown Dallas Really Needs Is More Hooker-ish Rainbow Light Shows

What's with all those sad, dark buildings? This ain't Des Moines!
What's with all those sad, dark buildings? This ain't Des Moines!

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on the same day of every week, making it a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Reunion Tower got new lights last year and, like someone who just got a new pair of fake tits, it's showing them off at every opportunity. Stars win a hockey game? SPECIAL LIGHT SHOW. SMU wins debate tournament? HEY, YOU GUYS, DID YOU KNOW I CAN LIGHT UP WITH SPECIAL LIGHTS? Thursday? OMG HOW HAVE WE NOT DONE A SPECIAL THURSDAY UNDERPANTS LIGHT SHOW YET?!?!

Some might say that the multicolor light show cheapens not only the look of Reunion Tower, but also our entire Dallas skyline. Some might say that these crazy light shows just make Reunion Tower look more like a giant vibrator than it already did. Some might say they hate the shits out of those stupid lights, why did anyone ever change any of that shit, change is bad. And to Some, I'd say, "Welp."

But, maybe this isn't a problem at all. Maybe Dallas should be even more of a total light show hooker. We've got a few LED-hookered-up buildings already: There's the aforementioned Reunion Tower Vibrator, The Omni is obviously the biggest light-show-hooker (if not the tallest), there's that Hunt Oil building with the swoop on it that lights up all crazy off of Woodall Rodgers and even that One Arts building has just that one light up square on it that changes colors for no reason (which is a little sad, 18-and-up-stripclub-light-show-hooker-poseur compared with all the other hooker light show buildings, really).

Maybe what Dallas really needs is millions and millions more buildings with light show lights. Not like Vegas -- that would look trashy. No, I'm talking classy LED hooker lights. Lady of the Night building lights. Thousand-dollar-escort-type light shows. Courtesan light shows. High-dollar, Kim-Basinger-In-LA-Confidential-hooker light shows. (These are definitely the terms professionals use to sell these lighting ideas to property owners. They must be. Otherwise, who would do this shit to a perfectly good-looking building?)

We need more LED light shows so people know that the ones we have up right now aren't an accident. We're doing this on purpose because we like it and we think it looks cool and not dated at all. Screw the boring green Gumby lights on the Bank of America building. We need more glitz. Let's light that keyhole building up with Mark Cuban's face. Or The Lumineeers. They're not from Dallas, but that song they sing about sweet ho's is super hot right now. How about LED light shows on those churches downtown? Ooh. Or Dealey Plaza? Dealey Plaza would totally be classed-up with a nice display that scrolled "OMG, JFK, WTF you guys?"

Whatever we do, we can't just leave the skyline looking like it does right now. It's not hookery enough. We need more scrolling text in our skyline, stat.


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