Girl Fight: Girl Scout Cookies versus Keebler's Knock-Off Girl Scout Cookies

Which cookie will reign supreme?
Which cookie will reign supreme?

Have you been complaining that Girl Scout cookies aren't available year-round? Have you hidden boxes from yourself in secret cabinets, cut cookies in half to save more for later and frozen Thin Mints and Samoas just to stretch out your supply until "next Girl Scout Christmas?"

Well, those jackass elves at Keebler heard you and they've been making knock-off Girl Scout Cookies (Which they should've named Gurrrrl Scout Cookies). But, there's no way they could be as delicious as real Girl Scout cookies, right?

Despite the fact that my husband said I was "shaming our entire family by bringing those fake-ass cookies into our home," I had to find out. I had to know if the elves had magically recreated Girl Scout cookies in easier-to-open packaging, but with shittier names.

And then I found out this fun fact: Legit Girl Scout cookies are not, as I had previously supposed, made by hand by the girl scouts in the Girl Scout Gumdrop Forest. They are, in fact, made by large national commercial bakeries under license from Girl Scouts of the USA. In 2008, Little Brownie Bakers (LBB), a subsidiary of Keebler, was licensed to bake Girl Scout cookies. So, are Keebler's versions of these cookies basically just like cheap, grocery store-branded sodas? Let's all hope so.

First up: Grasshoppers (Alias: Thin Mints).

Shame on you for being awesome, Keebler elves.
Shame on you for being awesome, Keebler elves.

Grasshoppers are Pretend Thin Mints. Only there seems to be a little more outer coating, making them fudgier and more delicious. I'd call them Fat Mints. Plus (if you give a shit about these kinds of things when you're eating cookies) they're fewer calories. And they're cheaper. And, let's not forget to point out: They're available at Walmart, so you can literally get them any hour of any day, when a craving hits.

If you like Girl Scout Thin Mints, you will, indeed, like Keebler Grasshoppers.

Next up: Coconut Dreams (Alias: Samoas)

Shitty name, same cookie.
Shitty name, same cookie.

Coconut Dreams are the Keebler knock-off version of Girl Scout Samoas. Aside from having a dumpy name, Coconut Dreams are exactly the same as Samoas. And again, the Coconut Dreams are (barely) fewer calories and they're cheaper by the box.

If you like Samoas, you'll like Coconut Dreams (if you can get past the name).

(Side note: Keebler also makes Peanut Butter Filled cookies that are knock-offs of Tagalongs, but I didn't buy those because I'm not a die-hard Tagalong person and I'm not made of money. I had already spent $500 on an adequate stash of Grasshoppers, so I was tapped out. But, know that those exist.)

Sure, buying anything Keebler means that you're supporting their decades-shitty advertising campaign that details the horrifying magic elves slave labor factory inside a hollow tree that results in these delicious cookies. But, they're so cheap.

And it appears that the only thing you get from Girl Scout cookies that the Keebler Knock-Offs can't provide is appetizing photos of girls playing with dirt and giving what appear to be patriotic speeches about braces.

If you're all mad right now and you're thinking, "I also get to feel like I'm supporting a great organization when I buy from the Girl Scouts of America," I have two comments for you: 1) We're different. 2) If, for you, buying cookies really is about feeling good for contributing to an organization and it's not about "AAAAAHHH COOKIES YUMMY COOKIES I LIKE COOKIES," you could always just donate to their actual organization directly, right after purchasing Keebler cookies, if you want that feeling. Maybe you could even spring for more than a few bucks. Just a thought, you generous person, you.

Let me be clear: I've got no beef with the Girl Scouts of America, here. In fact, in the past, I've written about my great love for your products. I just want my Thin Mints all the dang time. And until you can deliver on that, Girl Scouts, I've gotta get my fix from those jerk-ass elves at Keebler.

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