10 Dallas Dudes You've Probably Dated

For 30-somethings based in Dallas, there’s no lifeguard on duty in this dating pool. And though many are out here spouse-hunting for Mr. Right, plenty are still happily single and sluttin’ it up in the City of Hate.

Some of us just want to leave this earthly plane remembered fondly by MANY, after a life spent drifting in and out of passionate love affairs with fascinating people. None of which you will find on this list of common Dallas bachelor archetypes.

But like it or not, the dudes here have a certain brand of charm that you don’t encounter outside the Lone Star State. You just hate to love 'em and love to hate ‘em. The late, great Pimp C once posed the root philosophical question of this paradox: “Now what y'all know about them Texas boys?”

Here are the 10 Dallas types you have definitely dated or probably will. To all the single ladies, gentlemen and they-dees on the prowl out there — good luck!

The Sketchy Rich Guy

He lives in a high-rise and does a lot of really clean, really expensive blow. He’s explained it a hundred times but you still don’t understand what exactly he does for a living — just that it’s something in finance. Three months into dating, you find out on the news that it’s actually a Ponzi scheme, and you're relieved that it lasted for only a few crazy weekends. Plus, you probably got a little Fendi out of it.

The DJ

He's got a secret folder of ex-girlfriend’s nudes in his phone, and your suspicions are probably spot-on about him and that bartender at his Thursday night residency. You're getting bags under your eyes from going out dancing five nights a week, but you feel like he’ll be up to no good if you’re not there to keep an eye on his junk. You are playing a losing game here, girl.

The Corporate Transplant

He just moved to town for work and he wants you to “show him around Dallas,'' which really means you'll pick a bar to meet up for 90 minutes at the most before he asks if you want to go back to his place. But don’t get too comfortable there because he's gonna call you an Uber around 2 a.m. Turns out he has a really early overseas conference call. You don’t hang out with him often because he’s JUST SO BUSY with work, which is all he talks about.

The Holier-Than-Thou Christian

You met him through your megachurch-attending friend. He posts endless biblical scripture memes in opposition to gender-neutral bathrooms or gay pride parades. He doesn't want some party girl to be the mother of his children one day, so he won’t let you go to your best friend’s bachelorette party. He will definitely marry you, give you a couple of kids, then spend the rest of your life banging a side-piece who may or may not be a dude.

The Over-the-Top Rangers Fan

The rush of that World Series victory gave your sex life a major boost. But now that it’s come and gone. If you have to spend another minute listening to The Ticket in stadium traffic or receive any more women's jerseys as birthday presents, you are going to cheat. You know you are.

The White Cholo

He’s a really good tattoo artist and owns his own shop. His hairline is receding but somehow still holding up a blonde pompadour molded by a half-pound of Suavecito pomade. You never see him without a flannel shirt buttoned up to the collar, even in 100-degree heat. He refers to everyone as “this fool” and swears he has that accent because he grew up in a Hispanic neighborhood. He drives a really cool lowrider, but you have a feeling there used to be a rebel flag bumper sticker on it.

The Trap King

He sells the best weed you’ve ever smoked, and you can have as much as you want for free. The sex is amazing, but you can’t get him to leave the house because he’s got customers coming and going at all hours of the day and night. Eventually, you move on because you’re so bored watching him and his friends play video games.

The Deep Ellum Douche

He works in commercial real estate and never stops talking about up-and-coming development. He drives a new Audi but it just sits in the parking garage at his luxury apartment building because he walks everywhere and never grocery shops. He eats almost every meal at Komodo or Monarch, and is always wearing a suit blazer over a T-shirt. For someone whose entire personality is Deep Ellum, he’s actually pretty shallow.

Divorced Suburban Dad

This guy just wants to be married again. But you can tell he’s only pushing for you to meet his kids so that his ex-wife will get jealous. He calls you "Honey," and every topic of conversation either starts with or leads to something he heard on the Joe Rogan podcast. Sometimes you think you’ve got a good thing going. But even though he has a pool, you’re tired of driving out to Frisco all the time to stay at his condo.

The Former NFL Prospect

He was the star player of his high school team and played one season for the Cowboys before he hurt his knee. After that, he got a degree in sports medicine at the University of North Texas. He coaches at a charter school now, but he’s got aspirations to become a commentator. He gets all his news from ESPN or BarStool Sports and spends the majority of his time working out — but you don’t mind because he’s got an incredible body.