I was dicking around on the internet last week when known Valentine's Day scrooge the Houston Chronicle brought my attention to a national survey ranking Dallas as the seventhth most heartbroken city in America. Based on a foolproof algorithm of marriage rates, demand for dating services and surfing Instagram for sad people, the author of the "report" found us pretty unlucky in love.
I can't speak for the men of Dallas. But I know that for us women, the dating pool here can be shallow and well-stocked with bottom feeders. Here are 10 fish you have probably (hopefully) thrown back to sea.
The $30,000 Millionaire You are not allowed to pick me up in a BMW if you don't own a bed frame. You are not allowed to reserve us a two-bottle table if you don't have health insurance. You are not allowed to have a personal shopper and not own any dinnerware. Get your priorities together, man.
The Sketchy Rich Guy He lives in a high rise, he does a lot of blow, you don't know how he got all that money, and you think it's better you don't. Three months later you're reading about him on Unfair Park and you're relieved that only lasted for a couple of crazy weekends. Plus, you probably got a little David Yurman out of it.
The SMU Trust Fund Baby One giant adult baby suffering from both entitlement issues and poor little rich boy syndrome at the same damn time. He's got a degree, though. He's on Tinder, too. He's the one wearing button-up polos and/or golfing in every picture.
The DJ He's got a secret folder of nudes in his phone that you don't know about and your suspicions are probably spot-on about him and that bottle-service girl. You're getting bags under your eyes from going out every single night because you don't trust the hoes at his gigs. You are playing a losing game here, girls.
The Socialite This guy has really cool, cultured, interesting friends. He takes you to fun, artsy events and you're always both on the list. But you can't figure out what he even really does besides jump in front of nightlife and society page photographer's cameras.
The Suit Yuppie is a derogatory term -- this guy deserves some credit for being ambitious. Dallas is a booming economy filled with successful young bachelors who don't have time for you. The ones with actual money (if you're into that sort of thing) are not the ones you'll find spending it at the club every weekend. They're the ones who will take you on great and expensive dates, but only once a month when they're horny. Don't bring a toothbrush; he's gonna call you an Uber around 2 a.m. because he has an overseas conference call.
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The Holier-Than-Thou Religious Guy This guy doesn't want you to drink, swear or rat your hair. He will hold you to ridiculous double standards of morality and purity. He doesn't want some party girl to be the mother of his children, so he'll ask you to cut out your nightly glass of after-dinner wine and skip your best friend's bachelorette party. This guy will also probably marry you, give you a couple of kids, then spend the rest of your life banging a mistress who may or may not be a dude.
The Over-the-Top Rangers Fan If you have to drive out to the damn ballpark in after-work rush hour traffic again, listen to The Ticket for another second or get anymore women's jerseys as gifts, you are going to cheat. You know you are.
The Uptown Clown These are the drunk, red-faced good ol' boys you see sitting at Kung Fu Saloon all Sunday long. They say they're there to meet girls, but they have only gotten up from their table of clone bros one at a time to order another pitcher. They live in fear that a woman will figure out their dirtiest secret: They'd much rather get wasted on SoCo, play Call of Duty together and go home to watch porn.
The Pussy Hound No slut-shaming, just slut-identifying: This guy is a straight-up slut. It's a numbers game. He's going to talk to every woman in the bar until something bites back, and he's going to hit at least three bars a night. He might even charm you into a conversation, but it's likely you'll get forewarned by a friend who's made that mistake before it's too late. If not, he will snicker and high five his friends next time he sees you. Seriously, what a slut.