But every other aspect of life has been obscured by the shadow of a colossal frenzy over a damn water cup, the limited-edition Valentine's Day Stanley Quencher water tumbler. People are camping overnight, jumping over counters and stealing them, selling their kidneys and their kids to get one.
The cup gets bonus points for being an environmentally friendly alternative to plastic water bottles, but then again, the appeal is that they fit in a car cup holder.
Every few years, Americans lose their collective marbles over some overhyped product marketed through mass hysteria, like beanie babies or the latest iPhone. But like many things of late, we can blame this trend on TikTok influencers, who pushed the cup on their followers and unleashed a really weird beast.
@a100savage People want this Target Stanley Cup! #stanleycup #targetstarbucks ♬ original sound - Target NPC Guy
We like to think we speak for all the rest of us SANE PEOPLE when we say unequivocally that you could not compensate us to camp out overnight with the promise of a water tumbler, even if it were the last cup of water on a Texas summer day.
In fact, here are some cups we’d rather buy than the Stanley quencher:
- The soccer World Cup Maradona won in 1986 following a quarter-final win by scoring a goal with his hand.
- Those weird cone-shaped paper cups by the water cooler at the doctor's office that are good for only one sip.
- Dolly Parton’s bra cups.
- A merch cup from a Ted Nugent concert.
- The cup Stiffler accidentally drank from in American Pie.
- The “it’s a bit nutty” coffee cup from which Austin Powers drank in The Spy Who Shagged Me.
- The cups used by Anna Kendrick to perform the criminally overplayed song “Cups” from Pitch Perfect.
- A jockstrap cup worn by Hulk Hogan in his prime, or ever.
- The cup used to unsuccessfully poison Rasputin.
- The cup belonging to the aggressive panhandler who harasses women at Interstate 635 and Coit Road.
- A menstrual cup.
- The cups that pulverized the Nazis in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
- And, of course, the titular cup used unceremoniously in the cult film classic 2 Girls 1 Cup.
