Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.
Dearest Bic For Her ...
I heard about your pens, specifically branded for women, a while ago. Before I spend my woman money on the pink and purple pens you have labeled "For Her," I have a few questions:
1. How did you know that I love the color pink, and to a lesser extent, the color purple? Is it because I'm a woman?
2. What makes your pens better for women than they are for cats? (It's gotta be the flower designs. Which I find myself immediately drawn to. As a woman.)
3. How long do I leave the Bic For Her inside my woman vagina?
4. When will you be coming out with a line of Bic Pens For Him? My husband would like to use a pen.
5. The Bic For Him will have cartoon penises all over it, right? Maybe you could call it the Bic For Dicks instead. As a woman, I'm going to go write that idea down in my lady journal with my lady pen. You don't even have to pay me less than you would pay a man for giving you that idea.
6. When will Paper For Her be released? As a woman, I've just been writing on my hands.
7. What about Beer For Her?
8. Pencils For Her? I'd love it if my lady writings could be a little less permanent.
9. If my Bic For Her runs out of ink while I'm doing my taxes, are my taxes done?
10. I left the Bic For Her to babysit my daughter, and when I came home the walls were covered with scribbles. What the hell?
11. I saw a Stranger Woman using a regular pen, and I slapped it out of her hands. She got mad. Was it her time of the month?
12. Where is the secret compartment in the Bic For Her that holds my thoughts and opinions, so that I don't accidentally share those publicly?
13. If I use my Bic For Her to write a strongly worded letter to my Congressman, will he understand it?
14. I asked my Bic For Her if I looked fat in my jeans, and it just sat there, silent. Can you make the next Bic For Her pens less bitchy?
15. This pen is designed for a woman's hands. What if I (spoiler alert) have man hands?
16. I have reason to believe that my Bic For Her is talking shit about me to my friends. How do I let her know that isn't cool? Should I write a letter to her, with her?
17. I've seen other pink pens on the market before that are regularly priced and not labeled "For Her." I'm not allowed to use those, right?
18. How many people had to approve this idea before it went to market? Can I please, please, please see the market research that your team used to sell this idea to you?