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Snow
Snow
Joe Mabel/Wikimedia Commons

5 New Year's Resolutions for Dallas in 2019

The year is almost over, and now’s the time to start making a list of New Year’s resolutions — not for yourself, of course. You're perfect. No resolutions for you are needed, and you can’t give people you know resolutions because that’s called an intervention. So what do you do in this enlightened dawn that will be 2019?

Make them for the city you live in. What should Dallas change? What are the things that can make Dallas the best Dallas it can be? If we miss any New Year’s resolutions for Dallas you think should be added, let us know in the comments and we’ll give them directly to the mayor to be turned into law. That’s the power we have here.

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Take Better Care of Yourself
The best way to prevent a disaster is to look to the future, and maybe one year the city could buy the five bags of salt needed for when a thin layer of ice hits Dallas and shuts it down. Every year around late January or February, the streets get less ice than it takes to fill a whiskey Coke and everyone freaks out like an asteroid is about to hit. Invariably someone from the city will say something like, “We were under-prepared for this emergency.” Which is a fair statement, because no one who works in government should have ever heard of the weather.

It wouldn’t even be bad if all of our jobs agreed to have a little snow day and everyone stayed home. But no one’s work ever does — it’s vital you come in. The streets are empty except for Uber drivers like the one you called because you’re not going to risk your car getting into a wreck. The driver's hands are shaking on the steering wheel because he’s seen God four times on Central Expressway while he skidded taking people to offices for them to watch YouTube videos on the clock.

Dead mall
Dead mall
Jeremy Hallock

Get Rid of Clutter You Don’t Use Anymore
A new year is a time for new beginnings, and you can’t properly do that without clearing out the clutter from the past. Valley View Mall has been sitting there for what feels like years being sort of torn apart, sort of left still standing. Every now and then there’s a carnival in the parking lot for people who want to say, “Look honey, from up here on the Ferris wheel I can see a gutted-out Dillard's.”

Valley View has become the broken down ‘72 Charger in the garage. It was once the talk of the town, and you spent some of the most memorable parts of your youth in it. It’s a nice thought that you were going to get it back to its previous glory, but there comes a point where you have to admit it’s never going to be the same ever again. It’s time to sell it for parts and remember wistfully the time you lost your virginity in it.

Enough barbecue
Enough barbecue
Chris Wolfgang

Quit Smoking
Meats, that is. Texas is known for barbecue and should be. We have so many barbecue places at this point that we risk creating more supply than demand, and the whole thing loses its luster. Barbecue joints that were doing fine in their own towns are now moving in to Dallas proper, like Black’s Barbecue. Newcomers are trying to move other non-meat-oriented businesses like Dallas Comedy House out of their buildings to make room. At this rate of expansion, you could go into an emergency room, and by the time your number gets called, you’ll find yourself in a barbecue place. The copay will probably be about the same.

Love you, Dirk.
Love you, Dirk.
Mike Mezeul

Spend More Time With Your Loved Ones
It’s easy to take the people around you for granted. They’ve always been there and they always will be. Except the truth is, everyone leaves us eventually, and we need to cherish the limited amount of time we have with them. So stop reading this immediately — we already have the page view — and go tell that person you love them.

Take the time right now to say, “Dirk Nowitzki, thank you for everything you’ve done for us. You came to play for us when the Mavericks were a joke, which was probably the result of a mis-translation and you thought you were playing for the Lakers at first, but you decided to stay anyway. Thank you for the last two decades, thank you for the championship, thank you for being a class act your entire career and actually being the rare role model in sports people don’t have to make excuses for.

Remember Robocop?
Remember Robocop?
AF Archive / Alamy Stock Photo

Make More Money
A great way to make money would be getting film work back in Dallas. No one’s ever going to confuse Dallas for Hollywood, but there was a time not too long ago films and television shows brought their production crews, and all the mountains of money that come with them, to film here. However, when the state slashed the budget for Texas film incentives, Dallas now rarely sees anything come to town outside of low-budget commercials. These days if someone wants to film a movie set in Dallas, they just go to Atlanta and put cowboy hats on the extras.

To put it in perspective, Atlanta had more than $2 billion spent from film productions by offering tax incentives. We could have had Iron Man hanging around downtown, but instead we chose Papa John’s commercials.

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