So we needed some leather cleaner. Nearly $100 later, we left Elliott's with things we needed and things we didn't and were once again assured that this is probably the best hardware store on the planet. Not to be sexist, but the male buying impulse is so well identified and satisfied here that even the cookware looks good. Of course, the formula is simple. High-quality goods are well displayed and backed up by a knowledgeable sales staff. Sure, this is the perennial pick. But to send you anywhere else for the sake of novelty would be untrue to the double-blind-test, peer-review standards we employ in these matters.

No matter how hard we bemoan the loss of the mom-and-pop hardware store, no matter how inept we are at handymanshipness ourselves, no matter how much we would like reality to be different, let's face it: Elliott's rules--certainly in this category, anyway, as it has for years. The big boys like Lowe's and Home Depot feel so, how shall we say this, Wal-Mart-ish and just don't tape-measure up when it comes to sales, service and such. Nowhere can you find more interesting stuff, nowhere is that stuff as easy to access, nowhere can you find more knowledgeable help--or any help at all, for that matter. The folks at Elliott's do their best to make home improvement more than just a rerun of a so-so TV sitcom.

Sure, you can buy one of those hardware-store chain saws that are light and dainty and easy to start. But what's the point? Would you buy a hybrid-electric Harley? You need a big damn chain saw. Loud! You need one of them orange helmets with a visor. You need chain saw chaps. In fact, if you get the orange helmet and the chaps, you might not even need the saw! So don't go to the hardware store. Go to Gassett, where the real lumberjacks and lumberjills go. They got Stihl (pronounced "Steel," by the way). They got Echo. The real stuff. Don't be a chain saw wannabe. Be real! Get Stihl!

You can find the same thrill you got by freeze-framing Mark Wahlberg's prosthetic reveal at the end of the Boogie Nights video along the card racks at Nuvo. Really. Such titillating schlong photography you have never seen, and even Nuvo's long-standing reputation as a happy bastion for gay men in Dallas' colorful Oak Lawn area can't keep the straight women out. It's fun to watch the hetero gals crowd the (presumably) homo guys in front of the full-color, full-frontal nudity cards-for-any-occasion. Nuvo features other cards, too--many with meditative, philosophical and funny sentiments--but we've never found such a selection of naughty bits. And we've looked long and hard. We were just trying to see if the models were wearing falsies. Still looking. Jury's out. Hung jury.

There's nothing like coming home to that furry little child that's just fine with eating off the floor and relieving himself in public. That look of appreciation and little mew or woof of love is worth all the money in the world--and sometimes the loyal pet owner will pay just that to keep creatures great and small in good health. Employers, however, don't often give time off for an animal's doctor appointment like they do for human children, so it helps to find a place with accessible hours in addition to fair prices. Not to mention, Hillside has a plethora of vets on staff to treat family members ranging from the average baby kitty to the not-so-average hedgehog. The clinic provides prescriptions, carriers, food, accessories and boarding--hot diggity dog!

Whether you're a pro or just a weekend hobbyist who loves the eau de toilette of freshly cut grass blended with two-cycle engine emissions, Casey's has the goods--even those heavy-duty back-mounted leaf blowers that look like flamethrowers (Die, leaf pile! Die!). Casey's has all the brands that draw lawn grunts--Toro, Honda, Echo, Snapper, Stihl, Shindaiwa, Lawn Boy--and offers pickup and delivery service. Plus the staff is polite, knowledgeable and accommodating, which isn't easy when your head is humming with a two-cycle weed whacker buzz all day.

Didn't you ever want to dig a hole in the back yard, put some water lilies in it, put some fish in it, sit around and look at it? Well, you should, man. What's the matter with you? Nowadays everybody sells the basic equipment, even Home Depot, but most of the people who sell it have no idea how to do it. The people at Water Gardens Galore originally got into the business by servicing existing ponds. They really know their stuff, and they can tell you how to avoid the pitfalls, such as mosquitoes. (You buy little mosquito-eaters, and it's no sweat after that.) There's a little bit of an art to it, and they can tell you what it is. Live in an apartment? You can do a balcony pond. Really. Time to move? Heave-ho over the edge. It's part of the natural cycle.

You want a TC bare-bones system, Amptron MB, AMD Duron 1.2 gig-hz processor, ATX case, 250-watt power system, 256 Mb of ram, Sis Video and Sis Sound, Sis Network 10/100 mhz plus Sis Modem 56K V90, serial, parallel, USB and PS2 ports with a 15-inch monitor for $520? No, wait. Maybe you want a Toshiba notebook with Intel P-120 mhz processor, 48 megs of ram, a 1.4 gig hard drive, 6x CD rom, SVGA Video with Sis sound, 28.8 modem, serial and parallel ports with MS Windows 98 for $199. This stuff is used, but that's better than the only other way you'll ever see these prices, which is out of a bad person's car trunk. Tran Computer is good, and it makes good on its guarantees. You need it now and you need it cheap: See Tran.

We know someone--the name begins with "M" and rhymes with "brother"--who still doesn't own a DVD player. She claims she never will but defends her right to complain that no one carries videocassettes anymore. Lucky for her (and her technophobe brethren), there is one last sanctuary. Movie Trading Company still carries VHS tapes, and used ones are only $5.99. But if you buy four--say, Dirty Dancing, Memphis Belle, Road House and Autumn in New York--then they're five bucks apiece. There are rows upon rows, because, really, what 15 people don't need an almost-new copy of Teen Wolf? Let's just hope this oasis in the desert of DVDs doesn't dry up. Mom might have to learn to work another scary small appliance.

This chic urban pampering asylum done up in shades of swimming-pool blue offers a full menu of delicious traditional treatments like stone therapy massage, anti-aging facials and skin-rejuvenation treatments, in a soothingly comfortable atmosphere. But it goes beyond the ordinary, with laser hair-removal procedures, and Botox treatments and collagen injections administered by a board-certified plastic surgeon. Aqua also offers massages, manicures and pedicures and therapeutic facial mud fights. (Just kidding about the last one.)