The Weeknd's 15 Most Absurd Lyrics

On the The Weeknd's single "Loft Music," Abel Tesfaye brags that he'll "put your mind in a dream world." It's true, the R&B music of The Weeknd certainly transports you somewhere. But where? To a fantasy world of Tesfaye's own making, a pleasure-centered nightmare tucked neatly between detestable and irresistible. Despite all its sexism, vanity, and gross decadence, The Weeknd's music is gorgeous. It's hard not to sit back and listen with awe, as Tesfaye's narcissism unravels into a self-deprecating hell. Because let's face it, there's an intoxicating indulgence in rooting for Abel Tesfaye -- R&B's quintessential anti-hero.

But, there is another side to The Weeknd's musings. Sometimes a lyric is so ridiculous, hits you so bluntly, you can't help but laugh. For the most part, there is no self-awareness in Abel Tesfaye's chemically fogged head. He repeatedly, seemingly unaware of the inevitable consequences, strides himself right into the mouth of emotional oblivion, over and over and over again. And luckily, for us, like some audio broadcast reality show - one far too X rated for mainstream consumption - he tells all about in seductively explicit detail. Now THAT'S entertainment.

See also: Five Reasons Why 2 Chainz Should Make A Presidential Bid


"Eddie Murphy shit/ Yeah, we trade places/ Rehearse lines to them and then we fuck faces"


14) "I got a test for you/ You said you want my heart/ Well, baby you can have it all/ There's just something that I need from you/ Is to meet my boys/ I got a lot of boys."

So all you have to do to get Abel Tesfaye to love you back is to bang all his fiendish crewmates. Sounds fair to me.

13) "When I got on stage, she swore I was six feet tall/ But when she put it in her mouth she can't seem to reach my ball."

I don't know about you, but I'm impressed. One question: what happened to the other one?

12) "I'm not a fool/ I just love that you're dead inside"

Best pick-up line, ever.

11) "All the pain that you feel you can tell that we ain't making no love"

Now that's some romantic shit right there!


"They say they want God/ I say I have heaven/ I say I am God"

Abel Tesfaye has done the impossible--he's made Kanye West look humble, if only by comparison.

9) "Cuz I'm numb from the neck down/ You won't know that I can't feel it/ I can win a fuckin' Oscar/ By the way I fuckin' hid it."

My guess is that Tesfaye's noodle-like flaccidity might keep him from that Oscar.

8) "Tell me you love me/ Only for tonight/ Even though you don't love me"

Bullshit! This never works. 7) "Ringtone on silent/ And if she stops, then I might get violent/ No call is worth stoppin'/ So, momma please stop callin'"

Seriously mom, quit cock-blockin'

6) "All these girls try to tell me she got no love/ But all these girls never ever got her blowjob."

Wait, wait, wait, how can you be so sure?


"I got a brand new girl/ Call her Rudolph/ She'll probably O.D before I show her to momma."

There's nothing like death and drug use when it comes to poking fun at your lover.

4) "From the morning to the evening/ Complaints from the tenants/ Got the walls kickin' like they six months pregnant"

Now that would make for one terribly awkward call to the super.

3) "I'm a nice dude with some nice dreams/ And we could turn this to a nightmare: Elm Street"

I'm not sure if this is funny or scary, but I definitely feel like watching the movie again now.

2) "She give me sex in a handbag/ I got her wetter than a wet nap"

Damn, you gotta' teach me that trick!

1) "Trust me girl, you wanna be high for this"

Sounds like fun for no one!

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