Checking It Twice

There are two kinds of people I live to please: public figures and publicists. Nothing makes me happier than when I've worshipfully (or dutifully) touted their products and causes. Thus, in the spirit of commercialism and Christmas, I've decided to dole out the various pieces of free swag I've received this year to all the VIPs on my Christmas list.

To incoming Dallas County District Attorney Craig Watkins, I give What Every American Should Know About Europe by Melissa Rossi. Just in case he feels like he needs a vacation in, oh, four or five months.

To Wick Allison and Jim Schutze, I give the new version of the classic Monopoly game featuring the soon-to-be-rendered-useless Texas Stadium. That way they can take jabs at each other's views on real estate development, and no blogs get hurt in the process.

To the "MySpace candidate" for mayor, Zac Crain, I give Knitting With Balls: A Hands-On Guide to Knitting for the Modern Man by Michael del Vecchio. I'm not saying he's going to need a new hobby to occupy his time come May, I'm just saying it's always good to have a practical skill base.

To Terrell Owens, I give Cowboys Essential: Everything You Need To Know To Be A Real Fan by Frank Luksa. Because if you can't live up to people's expectations (or your exorbitant paycheck), you can at least read about people who have.

To Mayor Laura Miller, I give The Lingerie Handbook by Rebecca Apsan and Sarah Stark. Soon, she'll need something else to wear with that, ahem, pearl necklace besides power suits.

To the Dallas County Democratic Party, I give the Bliss Triple Oxygen Instant Energizing Mask, from the W Hotel's Bliss Spa. I do believe you people are going to have to do something called "work" for the next couple of years, and I want you to look your best.

Y'all come pick up your presents sometime before Christmas. I'll be around, you know, whenever. --Andrea Grimes

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