If the Rapture Comes Soon, At Least We Won't Have Rick Perry Anymore

Burn, baby: Well, that's distressing. Here Buzz is, due to dispense our bit of weekly wisdom/news/crapola, but we just can't get into it. Really, what's the point?

See, we just got off the phone with a reader, who was upset with our column last week suggesting that the city should consider a little compassion when dealing with out-of-work day laborers in Northwest Dallas. We thought we were being nice, speaking on behalf of the downtrodden. Turns out, though, that we're in league with the devil, which is surprising. Buzz thought the devil paid better than this.

Our mistake, the reader pointed out, is being part of a globalist liberal axis of anarchic death which is working to bring about the end times through such nefarious plots as national health care, unlimited immigration, anti-global warming initiatives and free trade.

It's all there in the Bible, which is a very mathematical book, our caller said. If you follow its formulas, you'll clearly see that the rapture is imminent, followed by a period of 70 weeks of seven years each—or maybe vice versa, it got confusing—of end times. The antichrist will arise in Assyria, which is Russia, and war will break out between Russia and Egypt, which is, in fact, Europe. God may have aced math, but he got a D-minus in geography.

So anyhoosie, the jig is up. Buzz is gonna burn. Think we'll get a bumper sticker for our car: "In case of rapture, we're going to steal your car."

Till then, the devil's work is never done, so let's go ahead and mention some news that we suspect will cheer the heart of our caller, whom we bet is a fan of the conservative Tea Party gang.

In a recent poll, Rasmussen Reports pretended the Tea Party movement was an actual political party and then tossed it into a ménage with the GOP and Dems. On a generic congressional ballot test using the three parties, 23 percent of respondents to a national telephone poll voted for the Tea Party candidate, second to the 36 percent grabbed by the Democrat. The Republican finished last at 18 percent, and 22 percent were undecided.

This is encouraging news for Governor Rick Perry, who made national headlines during the Tax Day Tea Party in Austin earlier this year with his secessionist rhetoric. While the polling data is national, it shows that Perry has tapped into a movement with serious legs.

Clearly, the end of days is at hand. "And there arose in the West a false prophet with really groovy hair, and he gathered the doofuses to him." It's in the Bible. See for yourself.

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Patrick Williams is editor-in-chief of the Dallas Observer.
Contact: Patrick Williams