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4

Mansfield's Planned Bike Lanes Part of a U.N.-Led Conspiracy, the Tea Party Says

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In a secret underground lair somewhere deep below Europe, U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon is hunched over a map of Mansfield, Texas, an evil glimmer lighting his eyes. A mirthless chuckle escapes his lips as he presses pencil to paper. Lubbock County Judge Tom Head may have sniffed out his plan to invade West Texas, but this time would be different. This time, they'll never see it coming.

As he sketches a dotted line along Matlock Road, punctuating it with a stylized bicycle icon, perfected by countless repetition, the chuckle builds into a deep, booming belly laugh that echoes coldly off the cavernous walls.

Unbeknownst to Ban, the freedom-loving people of North Texas are already marshaling their forces. Hours before his puppets on the Mansfield City Council are to meet on Monday, the leaders of thee Lone Star Tea Party are sounding the alarm.

"It wasn't that long ago that Arlington Tea Party fought a yearlong battle over bicycle Lanes," they write. "We forced the city into drastically reducing their proposed plan for 100's of miles of street lanes into bicycle lanes that benefits (sic) a few well organized groups."

See also: Lubbock County Judge Predicts Civil War if Obama is Re-elected, Proposes Tax Hike

They continue: "Mansfield Texas now has the same battle and it starts tonight 7PM City Council Chambers. Since we now know how the city planners operate, it is our duty to give the citizens in opposition of hundreds of miles of bicycle lanes (including busy Matlock St) support. We sould (sic) attend this meeting and monitor the proceedings. Remember we are all reporters of truth."

As reporters of truth, they are unafraid to out Mansfield's plan for what it is: a conspiracy between the U.N. through its Agenda 21 initiative and the International Council for Local Environmental Initiatives.

City of Mansfield spokeswoman Belinda Willis, planted by Ki-moon with the help of that nice lady in HR, faithfully maintains that the bike-lane idea came from the Mansfield Park Facilities Development Corporation, an arm of local government. On Monday, they presented a "very preliminary" consultant's report detailing how the city could improve cycling infrastructure. Some of the options presented -- improving signage, for example -- were cheap and easy.

See also: There are Bike Lanes Downtown, But it Might Take a While for Everyone to Play Nicely

Others required a greater investment, which some members of the Mansfield City Council are hesitant to make. The city, Willis says, is "moving very gingerly" on the matter.

They are moving forward in spite of the groundswell of opposition council members were confronted with, which Willis describes as "one gentleman who was not a Mansfield resident." (There were "quite a few" bike proponents.) She declined to detail the negative remarks, suggesting we watch video of the meeting, which will be ported shortly here.

Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.

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