This Just In: Dallas Ain’t All Too Smart

Try to follow along. Which, if you’re a City of Dallas leader or a Dallas Independent School District accountant, will be mondo difficult.

First, because some bozos don’t know how to subtract the 4 and carry the 1, DISD announces a $64 million shortfall. That’s shortfall. Opposite of windfall. Blamed on “inadequate budgeting.” Really? Ya think?! It’s like buying a $450,000 house and a $50,000 car then realizing, “Shit, I only have $12 in my checking account. Thought I had $12 million.” I mean, seriously, outside of my ex-wife and Judd Apatow characters, who does this?

Next, this. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I laid eyes on the $500,000 Trinity Project model. But I did know exactly what NOT to feel: Proud.

Half-a-mill for a model? C’mon! We need this guy to roll in with his dolly full of Miller High Life and pronounce “Y’all mussbee crazy!” We’re supposed to be awestruck by the meticulous detail of the roof pitches, yet somehow overlook the fact that some of the bridges simply, um, stop – like diving boards into the Oak Cliff swimming hole. But – a-ha! – now that I think about it, it’s perfect for shallow, materialistic, fucked-up Dallas. Perfect for the city that routinely embraces zero character and personality, as long as it’s adorned with fake boobs and a golden tan.

And finally, we have a new-and-improved Cotton Bowl! I know, right? The Cotton Bowl game rings in its final New Year in Dallas on Jan. 2 before moving to Arlington. And what do we give it for a parting gift? A $50 million renovation, complete with double the restrooms and increased capacity from 76,000 to 92,000. Two thoughts: 1) Something about a door and a barn and a horse. 2) If your wife announced she was divorcing you, would you buy her liposuction and a facial before she moved in with her new beau? And don’t tell me the fifty mill is a wise investment. From my viewpoint here atop Mount Commonfriggin’sense, Dallas has built a bigger stadium to accommodate smaller games. Genius. Texas-OU is here through 2015, but the other games on the Cotton Bowl docket: Prairie View-Grambling, East Central State-Texas A&M Commerce, and Texas Southern-Pine Bluff. Combine those three crowds and you won’t touch 92,000.

Add it all up and we’re $64 million over budget, we’ve got a $500,000 incomplete model and we’ve just slapped $50 million worth of lipstick on, you guessed it, a pig.

But, hey, at least we’ll never get hit by a hurricane. -- Richie Whitt

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