Dude Food: Jimmy John's

Jimmy John's
multiple locations

Dude Factor: 9, or Jerry Springer (paid for sex with a check), on a scale of 1 (Eliot Spitzer, resigned in shame after press conference) to 10 (Charles Barkley, returned triumphantly to TNT and T-Mobile endorsements)

I'm gonna level with you bros. Unlike my Dude Food compatriot Jesse "The Human Trash Compactor" Hughey, I am what you might call a "picky eater"--as in, if you put vegetables on my sandwich, I will pick that shit off.

Luckily for me, Jimmy John's has always had my back with its "Plain Slims" menu: six sandwiches offering nothing but various combinations of meat, cheese and bread. There's ham and cheese. Turkey. Roast Beef. Salami, Capicola and Cheese. You know, the classics.

So when the chain finally opened up a location in the Observer's hood a year or two back, I was stoked. After all, Jimmy John's was a staple of my college years.

This place has a lot of things going for it--subs with names like the "Pepe", the "Big John" and the "Vito". French bread worthy of the giant subs Heath Huxtable used to sneak on The Cosby Show. Prices in the $3.50 to $5.50 range. Funny, sophomoric signs on the wall. Delivery.

And, of course, a "challenge" sandwich--"The J.J. Gargantuan," layered with salami, ham, capicola, roast beef, turkey and provolone. Three different kinds of animals had to die for you to eat that, assuming capicola doesn't count as a fourth. Fair warning, though, dudes--a sandwich that manly just might make your sperm more potent...

Our nearest location is tucked away in one of those strangely located mixed-used developments popping up all over town, accompanied only by a soon-to-open Thai-To Go. I'm pretty sure several people--myself included--have contemplated overpaying in rent just to live in the ghost town above that Jimmy John's, but I digress.

My only pet peeves about Jimmy John's? Subpar, thin, flippity-floppity bacon. And the chips. (Cue Jerry Seinfeld-style rant) What is the deal with kettle chips these days? What happened to Lay's, Ruffles, Cheetos and Fritos? Granted, Jimmy John's kettle chips are actually pretty good, but a man needs options. And in Texas one of those options should always be Fritos. Always.

Don't make me start bringing my own, Jimmy John.

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