I Fucking Love Bacon

Dearest Bacon, I love you. You put the B in BLT. You put the "bacon" in bacon burger. You put the "with bacon" in macaroni and cheese topped with bacon. You taste like yes. And for this, I heart you. Remember that time I said, "No, thank you. I don't...

By Alice Laussade

September 1, 2012

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Dearest Bacon,

I love you. You put the B in BLT. You put the "bacon" in bacon burger. You put the "with bacon" in macaroni and cheese topped with bacon. You taste like yes. And for this, I heart you. Remember that time I said, "No, thank you. I don't want bacon on that"? No, of course you don't remember that, and it's not because you're forgetful, it's because I would never say some bullshit like that. Because I love you.

I know I'm not the only one who loves you -- you're pretty popular these days. It's cool that you're in milkshakes now.

And I see that you're regularly doing the nasty with some doughnuts in town.

I heard you've even got a line of candles and a perfume. And at this point, every-fucking-one has put you on a hot dog or in a cookie.

I'm so proud of your current popularity that I'm going to get you a flower arrangement made out of you. Unless that would piss you off because you don't like to eat bacon because it's you. Oh, crap, Bacon. What if you don't like bacon, Bacon?! Bacon. Seriously. Please do not tell me right now that you don't like the taste of bacon. That would be fucked up.

I love you so much, Bacon. Thank you for being bacon.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.

Contact: Alice Laussade