Cheap Bastard

Stackhouse: A Burger Makes a Great Platform for a Fried Egg. So Does Everything Else.

Each week, the Cheap Bastard goes looking for a new place to eat a meal for less than nine million dollars. This week, we accidentally sent her and Scott Reitz to try the burgers at Stackhouse, 2917 Gaston Ave., 214-828-1330. They both liked the joint. They both also, we suspect, have arteries like cheese straws.

Times I took the Lord's name in vain while horking down this burger: 2 Business guys doing that tie-over-the-shoulder thing count: 4

A single-patty burger at Stackhouse is just $5.95 and comes with lettuce, tomato, onion and a pickle. And then you see it: the section of the menu labeled "add-ons." It's a glorious moment, filled with "Whoa, look at all the cheese options. But, wait -- cheese costs an extra dollar?" and "Avocado and bacon and grilled fresh jalapeños and look -- pickled jalapeños," and "Holy shit! They'll put a fried egg on it! Everything's better with a fried egg on it! Seriously! Someone get a fried egg and put it on Khloe Kardashian's face right now and I'll eat that face and tell you it's delicious because it will be because a fuckin' fried egg Makes. Everything. Better." If you ordered their double burger and added every add-on from their list, you'd have a very tall $18.45 burger. Please do this. Someone please Stackhouse the shit out of Stackhouse.

My single burger wasn't as expensive as the Everything-On-It Dumbshit Challenge, but it still came out to $8.45 (one 6-ounce patty, plus jalapeño Jack cheese, plus fried egg because when someone tells you they'll put a fried egg on your burger you fucking let them because fried eggs are amazing. In fact, in my book they hold the title for World's Best Condiment).

Fries are two bucks extra. Onion rings are $2.95. Fountain drinks are another $1.95. The prices aren't super high, but I was hoping for a lunch combo burger-fries-and-a-drink discount. I did see that the special for the day was a chorizo burger with fries and a fountain drink for $11.95. Sounds delicious, but for that price I oughta get a blowjay and a beer (for $1 extra, you can get the beer, by the way).

So, how was the burger? It was motherblasting amazing. Juicy, pink in the middle and delicious [insert your That's What She Said Joke here, then another for the use of the word "insert"]. Get here. Get a burger. And if you don't order the fried egg, I'm not sure why we're even talking right now.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade