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We Gave NHS Tavern a Big Box of Crap and They Made Us St. Patty's Day Drinks

Last week, we asked Neighborhood Services Tavern mixologist Craig Cottier to use the ingredients in our The Box (shown below) to make us three St. Patrick's Day-appropriate drinks that don't taste like Hulk splooge.

Yep. Somewhere in those drinks is a russet potato, mint jelly and weird, carbonated melon drink from Japan.

Since everyone deserves to drink delicious drinks on St. Patrick's Day instead of drinking nasty green beer, we're including Cottier's kickass recipes in this installment of The Box.

First, let's make the Mayan Samurai:

Nick wanted to drink about eighteen of these. "Whoa. It's like a margarita and a mojito had a baby." A delicious, delicious baby that we drank. I highly recommend the jalapeno and cucumber garnish, even if you don't end up including the rosemary and potatoes when you make this at home. Make sure the jalapeno's on the top of the garnish. That way, when you go to take a sip, your nose goes, "Holy crap, this is going to be spicy!" but your mouth goes, "This is actually pretty sweet." It's a fun brain freak out.

Mayan Samurai ingredients:

1 3/4 oz. Patrón tequila 1/2 oz. lime juice 1/2 oz. Agave nectar cucumber cilantro jalapeno Kiss grapefruit soda Shirakiku Carbonated Ramune Drink (melon flavor) rosemary potato

(Watch the video for further instructions, Grasshopper.)

Next up, the Shillelagh:

This one was my favorite of the three. It tasted like a Jameson milkshake. Milkshakes: good. Jameson: good. Jameson milkshake: Fuckin' A, where has this been all my life? Sonic is so dropping the ball. Thanks, Craig Cottier, for bringing this into my world. I will tell all of my Irish family the legend of you.

Shillelagh ingredients:

2 oz. Jameson Irish Whiskey 1 tbspn mint jelly 1 egg white 1/2 oz. whipping cream green sprinkles apple licorice

(Check out the video for further instructions. Slàinte! (That means "Bennigan's!" in Irish-talk.))

And last but certainly not least-booze-filled, meet the French Pickler:

When Cottier was demonstrating this one, and he said, "Add two ounces of Effen Cucumber vodka," we thought he was just trying to add an f-bomb to regular cucumber vodka. Turns out, "Effen" is the brand name. I hope they come out with a line of salad dressings, baby diapers and banks. "Got an effing headache? Take these Effen drugs. While you're at it, get that dang baby an Effen diaper. Jesus, man. Get it together."

French Pickler ingredients:

2 oz. Effen Cucumber vodka 1/2 oz. St. Germain liqueur 1/2 oz. Domain de Canton liqueur 1/2 oz. Thatcher's Cucumber liqueur Ginger beer lime

(Watch the video for further instructions and try not to laugh when Craig says, "Effen.")

Thanks so much for making us a bunch of fancy St. Patrick's Day drinks, Craig Cottier. You're the tits.

And hey, double thanks to Chef Jon Miller, head chef at Neighborhood Services Tavern, for hooking us up with these brisket meatballs with voodoo sauce. Brisket. Meatballs, people. They're fidiculous. Eat them with your greedy little faces.

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