The Five Funniest Slides From The Onion
Mikal Beth Hughey
If you missed The Onion Live last night at the Winspear Opera House, you are not one of the 1,300 people who comprise the entirety of the city's intelligentsia, according to Onion editor Joe Randazzo and head writer Seth Reiss.
But at least it's easy to recreate the experience. Just go to The Onion's website and search Dallas, then imagine two smart-asses reading aloud the headlines and a few choice lines from some of the satire news organization's stories and you've pretty much get the gist of the experience. And as beautiful as the Winspear is, why an opera house was chosen as the venue, rather than a more suitable laid-back location like the Granada Theater, was never explained.
Aside from a brief Q&A session (and one odd moment where they read a news brief about how they were to be killed and mutilated later that night after taunting people at a bar), it was nothing more than a slide show with a couple of video clips. It began with a mock history of The Onion, taking the audience through some of the most memorable headlines, and segueing into a "pandering" segment with Dallas- and Texas-related stories. The stage presentation consisted of Randazzo and Reiss both looking at the MacBook between them. They didn't even stand up.
Still, there were a lot of laughs and applause, even if they were frequently of the self-congratulatory nature ("We're not fat, stupid, racist gun nuts like the rest of Texas! Ha ha!"). I just expected a more creative stage setup from some of the funniest writers in America.
In fact, one of the funniest moments came before the show began, as the venue projected live tweets from audience members. Wrote one: "Raise your hand if you paid for your tickets...Suckers."
Here were the five Dallas- or Texas-related slides I enjoyed the most -- even if they're all old news, available in The Onion's archives or books.
5-Million-Car Pileup Kills Dallas-Fort Worth
DALLAS--The Texas Highway Patrol announced that Dallas and Fort Worth, the state's largest metropolitan area, was killed instantly during evening rush hour Monday, after their 5,104,233 vehicles were involved in a series of violent head-on, rear-end, and T-bone collisions on Interstate 30. "This is one of the worst wrecks I've seen, made even sadder by the fact that these cities were so young," state trooper Lew Pettibone said. "It's especially painful knowing how close these cities were." Dallas, 151, and Fort Worth, which turned 134 two weeks ago, are survived by their sister city, Arlington, and several younger suburbs.
Texas: Everything sucks bigger in Texas
Home to mega-factories that contribute to the highest levels of air and water pollution of any state in the Union, a cavernous income gap that leaves visitors awestruck, and an abstinence-based sex education system that has all but ensured it will soon have the highest birth rate in the country, Texas knows that anything worth doing is worth doing big.
From the 64-ounce sodas that add to their number-one-in-the-nation waistlines, to the highest rates of drunk driving and citizen imprisonment to be found in America, the residents of the Lone Star State pride themselves on doing everything Texas-sized.
Boasting the largest egos and most inflated sense of self-importance in the Lower 48, Texans love to talk big about how they execute the most mentally disabled criminals, send the most boys to die for the biggest foreign-policy mistakes, and drag their hate-crime victims the farthest behind the most enormous pickup trucks available.
Texans Elect Gun
AUSTIN, TX--In a landslide decision, the people of Texas elected a .44-caliber revolver to the U.S. Senate Tuesday.
The victory marks the first ever for a handgun in a federal election.
"It gives me great pleasure to know that the people of the Republic of Texas will be represented in Washington by such a well-crafted firearm," Texas Gov. George W. Bush said at the gun's victory celebration. "I am confident that, with the tremendous stopping power of its .44 Magnum caliber, this handgun will strongly defend Texans' interests on Capitol Hill."
IRVING, TEXAS--In an attempt to cut the franchise's losses and "move forward in a positive direction," the Dallas Cowboys severed ties with controversial owner Jerry Jones Monday, ending their tumultuous 20-year relationship with the divisive figure.
According to sources within the Cowboys organization, the decision to release Jones was influenced by the lack of any playoff victories in more than 12 years, the owner's distracting sideline antics, and his selfish, "me first" attitude, which many said was having a cancerous effect on the clubhouse.
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