Film and TV

A-List: Dallas Episode 6: Step into the Gay-ntlet

Scene 1: Don't-Call-Him-Crazy James is lounging poolside, and up walks the blond mensch of a side character, Brayden, rocking an outfit that might be sold at Chico's in 2048. James makes fun of Bray-Bray's get-up, comparing him unfavorably to Joan Rivers. But the sideline sweetie ignores it and goes right into "Can we tawalk here?" mode. Seems James wants to improve upon his lackluster first attempt at a club event from last episode. He'll host another party this weekend in Austin, and he's invited all his fellow cast members to make the trek. Brayden once again steps into the voice-of-reason role: "You can't get too drunk."

Scene 2
: Two-timin' cowboy Levi stops by ConservaTwinkie Taylor's crib for a booty call disguised as a movie night. But Taylor's not in the mood for euphemisms. He gets right to the point. Levi: "I brought a zombie movie [signature laugh]." Tay-Tay: "I thought you might have brought, like, a porn or somethin' [sad face]." So they cuddle up on the sofa, but you can tell there's tension brewing beneath Tay's tank top. They begin to debate politics, but before long, Levi gets a brain pain. So they eventually move into leg-rubbing and foreplay. Note to Levi: Please make a spray tanning appointment. Those hairy gams scream for color.

Scene 3: Loose Lips Phillip and Chia Charmer Chase get together for drinks, have another heart-to-heart about parents and family. Phil tells the story of his dad's life-altering visit from the last episode: "I'm like a new soul." Chase is happy for the guy. He says in cutaway, "I don't want INNYWUN to have to go through what I went through." You recall that Chase doesn't speak to any of his relatives. Back at the table, he doesn't express much optimism regarding the situation, but the newly positive Phillip tells him not to lose hope. This is all nice, but again, I require more melodrama.

Scene 4: Chase is chillin' in his most comfy deep V at home, and who's stopping by? His secret lover, Levi. But there's no booty to be had during this visit. Leev's here to make sure his new "side piece" will be joining the whole gang in Austin for James' event. At first, Chase is all, "Why would I want to go on a trip with Taylor, after all this sneaking around behind his back?" And then he begins to trash Taylor and question Levi's continued relationship with the guy. "Aren't you tired of that, baybee?" he asks the cowboy. Levi's apparently not sold on exclusivity with either of his play-time twinkies. In the end, though, his poppy-dog eyes assist in convincing Chase to make the Austin trip. Here's hoping they all end up in a gigantic Inchwear-sponsored orgy fight. (It could happen. Brayden would probably serve as a play-by-play commentator, drink in one hand and ciggy in the other.)

Scene 5: Levi accompanies the no-bullshit straight gal Ashley on a walk. She tells him she done peeped him kissing on Chase in the back alley of the Brick in the last episode. Levi bares his steely-balls by completely denying the whole thing. Even though she saw it. With her own two eyes. "So maybe you saw Chase, but I wasn't behind the building with Chase. ... Let's go get you some glasses." Ash drops it for now ("Well, I'm glad it wasn't you") but her gears are still turning. This ain't over.

Scene 6: James and his cool-headed momma talk about his career goals. He practically begs for her approval. But she promises to love and support him, no matter what. Nice moment.

Scene 7: Ashley's pulled Chase into her web of interrogation. Get this girl a CSI franchise! Over public prayer and light dinner, she confronts him about his sneakin' around with Levi. She feels they're being cruel to Taylor by not telling him they're doing it. The discussion elevates into a mild argument as Ash lays it down for Chase: "You're falling for Levi ... and he's gonna burn that bridge whenever he cheats on you." And then, her thesis statement: "Honey, what you're doing, where I come from, is called home-wreckin' [side snap]."

Scene 8: The gang's in Austin, walking down 4th like the cast of Reservoir Dogs. They enter a surprisingly bustling James-hosted party at Hush, the perfect hottie-dotted backdrop for some good ol' infidelity drama.

Here's what happens, double-speed: Ashley drops the info bomb on an unsuspecting Taylor. Levi and Chase sneak upstairs. Taylor finds them and confronts Levi, in front of Chase. Levi treats Taylor like shit, drunkenly, in front of Chase. CHASE'S SUDDEN FACIAL HAIR IN A CUTAWAY INTERVIEW STARTLES US. Taylor insults Inchwear, calls Levi a dumb dummy. They break up. Chase finds Taylor, rubs beer-salt in the wounds. Phillip butts in, consoling Tay-Tay, telling Chase he's a whore. Lushy Levi and Unchaste Chase leave together, make out in street. James stews off-camera, at the bottom of a bottle.

Scene 9
: Chase and Levi do breakfast in Austin, hash out their own budding relationship. Problem is, Levi's sober now, and not willing to make even a semblance of a commitment to anything but fuck-tinged friendship. Chase rolls his eyes at the sudden realization that all this drama has been for naught. Ashley was right about Levi, honey [side snap]. Now the cat's not loving his cream so much, is he [double side snap]?

Scene 10
: Taylor, Phillip, James and Ashley try a little hair-of-the-dog at Austin's Belmont. Conversation about the night before quickly devolves into a bitchfest, with misdirected hostility filling the air. It ends with Phillip and James throwing drinks and fists. Ashley's once again breaking up boy fights, and she's almost too shaken to do her friend-ly duties. But her strength comes back when James threatens to melt into a self-pitying puddle on the streets of Austin. Heavy episode. Let's all breathe, poodles, and meet back here next week.

Last week's recap: A-List Dallas Episode 5: Proud Papas and Military Daddies

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Hunter Hauk