The New Batman Ride at Six Flags Fiesta Texas Looks Like the Most Harrowing Ride Ever

There are a few things that terrify me. Cockroaches are up there. It’s the way they can disappear into anything, like, say, light switches or clown’s mouths. When I was a kid, I imagined Michael Myers following me with a sharp, glinting axe. Now, I’d like to officially add a...

By Nick Rallo

May 21, 2015

Audio By Carbonatix

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There are a few things that terrify me. Cockroaches are up there. It’s the way they can disappear into anything, like, say, light switches or clown’s mouths. When I was a kid, I imagined Michael Myers following me with a sharp, glinting axe. Now, I’d like to officially add a new entry to the list. I will be submitting Six Flags’ Fiesta Texas to the list of Things That Make Want to Rocketship Off the Planet While Primal-Screaming for their new “4D Free Fly Coaster,” Batman: The Ride.

Just look at this GIF, via Reddit.

View post on imgur.com

I imagine Six Flags engineers sitting around a table, pointing and nodding approvingly at a dry erase board that has a hyperrealistic marker drawing of two people graphically vomiting into their hats. “Yes, let’s make that into a ride,” they’d say. Actually, just typing the words 4D Free Fly Coaster made me grip my desk and hurl in a 180-degree radial wheel. Everyone in my office is screaming, thanks Six Flags. Here’s what this ride does, via Six Flags' site.

“Magnetic fins cause you to flip as you fly over the top of a 12-story hill and two beyond vertical drops. Then you’ll take flight over a steel track which delivers six full inversions. You’ll descend down two beyond-90-degree raven drops, incorporating the stomach-shaking sensation of true freefall right in the middle of the ride!”

I have some questions (mostly out of fear):

What in the name of Santa Claus are “beyond vertical drops?”
If I’m 31 years old, can I do six full inversions without going backwards in time violently?
Will the ride exit immediately into a hot, drawn bath and a massage?
When a person experiences two “beyond 90-degree raven drop,” will I be officially be entered into a list of known astronauts in America?
Will you be handing cigarettes out after the ride? Already lit?
“Incoporating the stomach-shaking sensation of true freefall” — So, basically, it’s my exact nightmare of slipping off the roof of a very tall building? Cool. Just checking.

The ride opens May 23 at Six Flags Fiesta Texas in San Antonio. Seriously though, it looks really fun. Make sure you eat a chicken fried steak, macaroni and cheese, with thick, chocolate milkshake before entering.

Nick Rallo

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