*Advice for dudes. You wanna get laid this Halloween, ladies? Show up.
Sure there's the parties, the drinking, and the overwhelming desire to piss every time you get your goddamn costume on. But Halloween is about much more than that. According to scholars, All Hollow's Eve initially incorporated traditions from pagan harvest festivals, at which everyone wore the sexiest foliage they could find and tried like hell to get laid.
See also: - Dallas' 20 Best Halloween Events And Parties - The Ten Best Costumes From Comic Con Fan Days
That, of course, continues to be tradition. But guys, you can screw up without saying a word before you even get a chance to screw up by being lousy in bed.
Here are five costumes that will guarantee you go home with your hand and some Lubriderm on Halloween, and some much better alternatives that might get you a shot at a real live woman.
Don't: A Condom (above) When you dress up like a giant condom, we can only assume this is the closest you've come to using one in years.
Do: Overly Attached Baby Want to be humorous? How about going as the result of using that one, super old condom you have left in your wallet? Hilarious! (Seriously, buy new condoms.)
Don't: The Flasher This costume practically guarantees women as dry as the Sahara. Nothing looks more unattractive than a man in a nude body suit.
Do: X-Ray Second Skin If you insist on wearing a body suit, make it this one. Pretty badass. But make sure you have the body for it. Please.
Don't: Plug and Socket You see the woman in the picture above? The socket to your plug? Yeah, she doesn't exist. She never has. You will be wearing your little plug all alone, desperately searching for your socket-mate.
Do: Edward Scissorhands Dead set on having metal object protrude from your body? Go with Edward Scissorhands. An eternally sexy character thanks to Johnny Depp, you shouldn't have too hard a time finding your very own Kim in this costume.
Don't: The Shocker When was the last time you had a girl request the shocker? When was the last time you had a girl? Yeah, this costume won't help.
Do: Shock Rocker Pay homage to Alice Cooper, Ozzy Osburne and Marilyn Manson with a bat-chewing, chest-cutting ensemble this Halloween. Have women scream at you in a good way this year!
Don't: Borat Mankini Okay. I'm not sure that I need to explain this one. But just in case, here you go -- you are in a tiny, green slingshot with your hairy ass hanging out in back. This is not a good look. For anybody, much less your average Joe. Please just don't.
Do: Lifeguard If you insist on wearing a bathing suit for Halloween, go this route. Lifeguards are hot. Just go out and buy an orange swimsuit with the medical cross on it, and you're good to go. Bonus points for the floaty and whistle.
