From wholesome to concerning to outright absurd, these are the Yelp reviews of Dallas bars and live music venues that made us stop scrolling.
The Free Man Cajun Café & Lounge
2626 Commerce St.
Barney E.’s post is less of a review of The Free Man and more of a lad’s trip of a Shakespearean nature. He wrote that he and the lads “descended on Dallas like those MAGA shithouses who stormed the White House” (close!) and had been “sinking piss all day” only for him to later lose his wallet. The next day after sinking “a bit more piss with brekky,” (that would be breakfast) he returned in angst to the bar for the “delightful barmaid” to return his wallet. He closes the curtains on this saga with a parting play on words. “Thank you Free Man for saving This Man.”
The Rustic
2656 Howell St.
Forget the wine sommelier. This patron wants a sommelier for the water served at The Rustic because it's just that good. With the role of designated driver, Mitsh P. consoled herself with drinking water while her friends celebrated a 21st birthday with a bar crawl and spicy margaritas they described as “FANTASTIC.” The Rustic was not serving Mitish P. just any old water, however. “If Jesus turned this to wine, people would ask him to turn it back into water.” If you’re looking to break new bounds with your hydration levels, just ask the bartender Creed for a mason jar of water. We haven't seen anyone this excited about water since Drew Barrymore.
Charlie’s Star Lounge
4319 Main St.
Here lies a simple yet stark warning for those looking to attend Charlie’s: “This is a rejects bar.” According to Bojaingles, any individual who is “in any way socially acceptable” should avoid spending a night at this bar. Bojaingles gave only one star to this bar of socially unacceptables. We're confused, though, because it sounds like a recommendation to us.
Thunderbird Station
3400 Commerce St.
This is a lovely, nostalgic thank you note from a man to a bar. Ryan opens his review by recounting a family anecdote that took place in his childhood during road trip with around 10 people and a poodle named Tippy. They journeyed through West Texas, New Mexico and Arizona until they reached Las Vegas. Their meal of choice was tuna and bologna sandwiches with pickles and chips. (We do not want to imagine what that tuna-and-pickle-filled car smelt like.) In a twist, Ryan compares his night at Thunderbird to the delightful Las Vegas road trip of his childhood. “Thunderbird is an amazing road trip. Bring your cousin. Bring Tippy. Get a tuna sandwich and enjoy a tasty cocktail or a beer in a frosty glass.”
Three Links Deep Ellum
2704 Elm St.
Here's a post from an individual definitely not speaking from personal experience. Michelle M. is grateful for the staff at Deep Ellum’s Three Links. She loves the venue because it is a place where anything can happen — anything, including “magically drumming up a threesome within five minutes of sitting down.” Or so she’s been told. She's just complimenting the bar "for a friend."
The Wild Detectives
314 W. Eighth St.
The Wild Detectives moved Tania P. so much that she was compelled to write a note with love to hipsters everywhere. This is her official application, touting her qualifications to join the "social club" as a Wild Detectives-loving hipster. “I am culturally aware, love Urban Outfitters, listen to Imagine Dragons, own a very non-trendy-but-fashionable bike, and am a huge fan of skinny jeans.” Imagine Dragons? Did she love them ironically or is she that much of a hipster that she predicted they'd one day be seen as kind of not all that bad? Tania swoons over the Bishop Arts café/bar/bookstore and its espresso, back patio with live music and minimal signs to help “keep the shop from getting over-crowded and booming with bandwagon trendists.” Inspired by her dedication to hipsterdom and Wild Detectives in this very 2014 post, we can only hope she has since been accepted into hipsterdom.
