Jade Helm 15: The First 48 Hours

As you're reading this, our fair state of Texas, thanks to the leadership of Governor Greg Abbott and the intrepid work of Texas Guard soldiers, has survived the first 48 hours of Jade Helm 15, U.S. Army Special Operations Command's highly publicized covert takeover of Texas.

So far, martial law has not been imposed in any of Texas' 254 counties, not even in Irion where County Clerk Molly Crimer is making the last stand for the good people of Texas against gay marriage. Reports on the ground indicate that the storm is still gathering, though. Here is just some of what we've learned in the past few days.

This breathless report was recorded in a Sam's Club parking lot in San Angelo. Hearty American Kris Martin braved the elements to warn his fellow Texans of trailers potentially filled with gun-stealing ninjas and the influence of Knight Templar Freemasons on Jade Helm:
Still there have been casualties. Devin Pike, inexplicably allowed to keep his phone after being captured by the feds, has live tweeted his internment. Info Wars, the Alex Jones-founded conspiracy news source that was instrumental in sounding the Jade Helm alarm, issued a video today explaining why many of us were not yet feeling the full brunt of our hostile military. Remain vigilant everyone. With hard work and God's grace, we may just survive the weekend.
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Stephen Young has written about Dallas news for the Observer since 2014. He's a Dallas native and a graduate of the University of North Texas.
Contact: Stephen Young