While we’re at it, welcome home the rest of the bad ol’ Dallas Cowboys from the good ol’ days, because as this once-proud franchise embarked on training camp No. 64 on July 25 in Oxnard, California, this much is undeniable: The Cowboys haven’t won diddly squat since the inmates ran the asylum.
Give me the Bad ’Boys. Because after 27 years of futility, we’ve had it up to here with the Choir ’Boys.
We need a dose of head coach Jimmy Johnson and his “asthma field,” running off players in 1989 who whined about wind sprints. Where’s running back Duane Thomas, taking a yearlong vow of silence over a contract dispute in 1971 and then leading the NFL in touchdowns as a middle finger to management? Give us supposedly squeaky clean Roger “Captain America” Staubach, needling Clint Longley so much during a 1976 practice that the backup quarterback sucker-punched him in the locker room. We’re ready to pardon former coach Barry Switzer for punching Channel 8 sports anchor Dale Hansen in the arm on live TV in 1994 and for getting arrested trying to take a loaded gun onto the team’s airplane in 1997.
Let’s roll out the red carpet for those 1990s players, who, between winning three Super Bowls in four years, got the team’s training camp kicked out of St. Edward’s University in Austin for extensive water damage, busted security cameras, collapsed air vents and hallways that reeked of urine.
In one summer alone, there was Nate Newton (accused of sexual assault), Erik Williams (served a paternity suit), Leon Lett (suspended for failing a drug test) and, of course, Irvin (who wore a full-length fur into the courtroom for his own drug trial and later stabbed teammate Everett McIver, opening a gash that required 18 stitches, for having the audacity to take a seat at the barber shop ahead of Irvin).
Those Cowboys weren’t for the faint of heart or, for that matter, the rule of law. They played — and partied — with unbridled, um, passion. But, most of all, they won. Won big. Won consistently.
Harsh reality: Since the Cowboys stopped hiring hookers to entertain them at their “White House,” the team has lived in the outhouse.
"Give me the Bad ’Boys. Because after 27 years of futility, we’ve had it up to here with the Choir ’Boys."
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Given his nefarious team’s negative headlines in that era, owner Jerry Jones tried to right perceived wrongs in 1998. He hung a halo on the star, and that was that. Because of a superior “character,” Jones in the first round drafted defensive end Greg Ellis over a talented-but-troubled receiver named Randy Moss. Ellis turned out to be a decent player; Moss, taken 13 spots later, revolutionized the receiver position and in 2018 was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
Nice guys do indeed finish last.
Through the years Jones has dabbled with acquiring talent regardless of temperament — Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Greg Hardy, etc. — but his strategy has whiffed. Once snobbish elites among DFW’s pro teams, the Cowboys now meander with the peasants.
Their last Super Bowl (XXX) came in 1996; the 27-year drought is by far the longest in franchise history. The Dallas Mavericks (30) and Dallas Stars (currently 24) endured similar streaks, and the Texas Rangers are in Year 52 without winning a World Series.
Worse, the recent, cleaner-cut Cowboys have all those years of scar tissue without ever really having been in a meaningful fight. Over the last two regular seasons they have more wins and more players in the Pro Bowl than any team other than the defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs. They’ve led the league in defensive takeaways and offensive points. Last season they even won a playoff game, shoving legendary quarterback Tom Brady into retirement in the process.
Yet there’s no way to camouflage it: Since 1996 only three teams haven’t played in an NFC Championship Game … Detroit Lions, Washington Commanders and Dallas Cowboys.
That’s why it’s time. Time to lie, cheat and/or steal our way back to a Super Bowl. Time to invite Beelzebub to the table and commence negotiations.
“I found that (the devil) is not quite as responsive to one’s individual ask as you might think,” Jones joked last summer. “I’m not trying to be sacrilegious here, but the facts are that I would right now, if I could, and I knew that I had a good chance to do it, I’d do anything known to man to get in a Super Bowl.”
In a fiery 2021 speech captured by HBO’s Hard Knocks, coach Mike McCarthy tried to inject some down-and-dirty into his team.
“Fuck last year,” McCarthy said. “Charlie Fuckaround? He doesn’t work here. High School Harry? Get his ass out the fucking door. This is about winning a world championship. Nothing else. Winning season? Not good enough. Playoffs? Not good enough. Getting to the conference championship game? Not good enough. This is about winning the Super Bowl. Period.”
But in the wake of Jones' flirtation with the devil and McCarthy f-bombing his players … nothing. The Cowboys remain popular (making a league-high six prime-time appearances this season) and profitable (the most valuable team in American sports at $8 billion). They're just not productive.
After 12-win regular seasons, the last two postseasons have ended in soul-crushing losses to the San Francisco 49ers. In the 2021 playoffs they had the ball but ran out of time in a six-point loss; in 2022 they had the ball but ran out of time in a seven-point defeat. Despite record-breaking offensive seasons, in those losses to the Niners the Dak Prescott-led Cowboys managed only 17 and 12 points, respectively.
Said Jones after last January’s loss in San Francisco, “They beat the best of us tonight … I feel sick.”
If it is indeed beyond Cowboys fans’ threshold of patience to wait any longer and to win with sinners rather than lose with saints, Prescott is a problem.
The Cowboys’ quarterback is too good to be tru … trusted?
He’s the NFL’s Walter Payton Man of the Year for his philanthropic efforts. He was recently unveiled as an American Cancer Society “global ambassador.” He’s been forthcoming about his mental health struggles. When DirecTV need a spokesperson, they paired him in commercials with the Real Housewives. Even more delicate, as Bud Light tries to recover from its “transgender boycott,” guess who it’s tabbing as its popular, neutral pitch man?
That’s Prescott, starring in commercials in which he effortlessly mows his lawn to prove how “Easy to Summer” it is with the beer.
His next misstep off the field will be his first. Alas, entering his eighth NFL season he owns only two playoff wins — both in the wild-card round. In the 2021 playoff loss to San Francisco, Prescott accidentally ran the clock out while sliding in the middle of the field. Last season, with his team trailing by seven points and 2:59 remaining, he threw two incompletions and took a sack.
He was particularly awful a year ago, more frustrating for Dallas residents than skyrocketing property taxes and the ransomware attack that paralyzed City Hall. He threw a mind-boggling 17 interceptions in 13 starts, including a league-leading 15 during the regular season despite missing five games because of injury. He promises to be more efficient this season, thanks in part to the departure of offensive coordinator Kellen Moore and McCarthy's decision to take the reins in a new “Texas Coast Offense.”
Said Prescott recently, “I won’t have tipped interceptions this season. Some of it is the offense and [the receivers] understanding exactly where we are. They know where the hell to be, why to be, when they’re getting looked at. That’s going to be a big jump.”
Prescott is a better person than he is player, but that won’t stop him from unfathomably signing a lucrative new contract extension, likely this summer. It was just March 2021 when he agreed to a four-year, $160-million deal. Because that contract calls for an astronomical salary cap hit in 2024, Jones will smartly construct a new one that both makes Prescott one of the highest-paid players in the league and drives Cowboys fans bonkers.
"Prescott is a better person than he is player, but that won’t stop him from unfathomably signing a new, lucrative contract extension likely this summer."
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It’s not as though Jones hasn’t constructed a winning team and Prescott doesn’t have an excess of talent around him. The Cowboys are coming off consecutive 12-win seasons for the first time since the glory, gory years of 1992-95.
The franchise's third-all-time leading rusher, Ezekiel Elliott, is gone, as is productive tight end Dalton Schultz. But the Cowboys think they have younger, better players in Tony Pollard and Jake Ferguson. They also traded for a deep threat in former Houston Texans’ receiver Brandin Cooks.
A defense that created a league-leading 67 takeaways the last two seasons will again be led by do-everything Micah Parsons, edge-rusher DeMarcus Lawrence and ball-hawking cornerback Trevon Diggs. With another shrewd deal, Jones added former All-Pro cornerback Stephon Gilmore to the secondary.
On special teams the Cowboys boast Pro Bowl kick-returner KaVontae Turpin, and Tristan Vizcaino replaces inconsistent kicker Brett Maher after Maher's bout with the yips last postseason sent him packing.
The Eagles are the NFC favorites to return to the Super Bowl, and the Cowboys have the third-best odds behind Philadelphia and the 49ers. What’s closed the gap? Dallas added two veteran starters in Cooks and Gilmore, while the Eagles lost eight starters and two coordinators, to go along with the fact that no NFC East team has repeated as champion in 17 years.
“It’s razor-thin between those teams,” said former NFL executive-turned-ESPN analyst Mike Tannenbaum. “Head-to-head, there’s basically no difference.”
The Cowboys will again be good. But, for the first time in a long time, will they also be bad enough?
Said Lawrence, “It’ll come down to certain details.” Here’s welcoming the devil, and perhaps Irvin, to be in them.
