8 Crazy Noodles: A Dallas Guide for a Jew (and Everyone Else) on Christmas

Growing up as a Jewish person in Dallas, Christmas and/or Christmas Eve went something like this: Dad made a reservation at May Dragon, we’d attempt to have a festive meal at the extremely overcrowded restaurant, surrounded by every single Jewish person I’d ever met ever, and then a couple of hours later I’d sit, stuffed to the gills with fat (deep-fried noodles) and sugar (duck sauce and fortune cookies), on my parents’ couch, feeling like an absolute shit sandwich and swearing I’d never do it again. Except I did, every year. Because it’s tradition. It’s how Jews “celebrate” Christmas. In fact, as I got older it began to take me precisely 364 days to forget how crappy eating that huge Mega Sodium Gluten-filled meal made me feel. But enough about me, let’s talk about what YOU are going to eat on Christmas. If your Christmas-time cravings are of the Asian persuasion, here are some top options in the Dallas area.

The foodbitch favorite: Royal China

Because people like to say FUZI: Yao Fuzi

The one that sounds most like a church: First Chinese BBQ

The critic’s choice: Royal Sichuan

The gringo vote: Howard Wang's China Grill

The dumpling darling: J.S. Chen

The place for duck: Mr. Wok Asian Bistro

For hipster/modern Jews: Monkey King Noodle Co.

You might be saying, "But, foodbitch! What if we're not Jewish?" Who cares? American Chinese food tastes good and is meant to be shared. It's like, the pu pu platter is a metaphor, man! The holidays are about togetherness and forgetting about the pain of last year (whether it be an annoying family spat, a shitty gift or too much moo shu chicken — if there even is such a thing). Wherever you end up, whether it's around your own table or one at a restaurant from the list above, know that I'll be raising a glass of plum wine to you and yours. Ho Ho China (R.I.P.) and Merry Christmukkah, everyone!

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