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Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae: When You're Ready to Throw in the Towel

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Recently I took the chickens out to Denny's to try their new Maple Bacon Sundae. When I was a kid I went to Denny's on occasion, but in the past 15 years I think I've been twice, and I had no idea what I'd been missing. From customers to the menu, Denny's keeps it real. This is no place for the weak at heart -- bring your A-game or don't come at all. That should be a sign on their door.

Self-appointed bacon critics, the chickens strode in all business for the "Baconalia" event at Denny's, which has created its own bacon pyramid to replace that completely nonsensical food chart the U.S. Department of Agriculture puts out. Veggies. Whatev. The bacon pyramid exploits the Homer Simpson in all of us. Bless them.

But let's cut straight to the skinny (hah!) on the Maple Bacon Sundae: We loved it. I realize it may not sound appealing, but from spoon to mouth it all comes together. Our waitress told us it hasn't been very popular, though. Skeptics and naysayers, envision with me: Pancakes, bacon and syrup coalesce on a plate to create a glorious mess. Now, instead of a pancake being the base that brings it all together, imagine vanilla ice cream.

Strangely, our only complaint was that it needed more bacon. And since it rings in at 810 calories and 40 grams of fat for one 12 ounce serving -- just throw in the towel. You're already done for. Get more bacon.

Included in the "Baconalia" event is a mind-boggling array of everything that is right and wrong in the world.

Take the BBBLT Sandwich. It has eight strips of bacon, lettuce and tomato (to mock you) on toasted white bread with creamy mayo. Served with fries it has 1,410 calories and 72 grams of fat.

Or the new Bacon Slamburger, which has crispy hash browns, an egg cooked to order, two slices of bacon and then is covered in a cheese sauce. The Triple Bacon Sampler has three different kinds of bacon (turkey, pepper and hickory smoked) with eggs and hash browns while the Bacon Flapjacks has bacon cooked right into the pancakes. And, of course, there's a side of bacon. There's no need to even count calories anymore. This is reDONKulous.

I had become fascinated by the menu at this point and found the one item that boggles my mind the most. For $4 one can order a Fried Cheese Melt, which is four fried cheese mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese between two slices of sourdough bread. A grilled cheese sandwich stuffed with fried cheese. You get fries and marinara with it too. For $4. Dubiously, Denny's doesn't have nutritional information for this on their website. Who cares, though? I wonder if you can get bacon added to it. If you're really going to order that, just rub it on your face and call it a day.

I needed a shower and a drink after perusing the online menu. I'm not sure if I wanted to stand up and applaud or cry. While I recommend the Maple Bacon Sundae, I sense for liability purposes it should come with a disclaimer, four paragraphs long in five-point type.

And, if you do go, for the love of all that is good in the world, please, tip well.

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