Cheap Bastard

John's Cafe: Go. Get Biscuits. Now!

Breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day. And at John's Cafe, it's goooood. John's also serves up super cheapo lunches, but their breakfast is so otherworldly and giant, you'll be so full of egg and coffee and awesome that when noon rolls around, you can just burp pancake and be good until afternoon snack time.

For breakfast, John's serves up a variety of options ranging from pancake stacks (three for $4.45) to chicken-fried steak and eggs ($8.25) to gyro omelets to Mickey Mouse-shaped pancakes for kids. Their menu is American comfort food meets baklava. Greekmerican cuisine.

John's Cafe is located on Greenville Avenue beyond Lower Greenville in what is referred to as Lowest Greenville. To get there, just take Regular Greenville to Lower Greenville, keep going, and John's will be on your right.

So, breakfast: Get your face to John's as fast as possible, walk all the way to the back counter, order yourself some eggs (yes, John's takes credit cards), serve yourself some coffee and pick out a booth.

If you're antisocial in the morning, bust out your newspaper or just stare at one of the flat-screens and zone out until the coffee starts working. For morning haters, John's is paradise. Here, nobody's gonna bug you. No waitress will ask you any of the following questions: "Hey! Is this your first time at John's?!" or "Everything tasting OK?" or "Can I refill your coffee?" or "Where'd you get that hairdo?" Here, you order, they bring you your food and the transaction is complete.

I had the big-as-Jessica-Simpson's-face Greek omelet (stuffed with bell peppers and 8 pounds of feta), which comes with the crispiest hash browns ever and your choice of toast or biscuits. Choose wisely, my friend. Choose biscuits and you'll be so happy, unicorns and rainbows will shoot out your ears. Choose toast and your cell phone will ring. Caller ID will read: Some Bitch calling. It'll be me yelling at you, calling you and your mom a variety of mean names ranging from "Dipshit" to "Dumbdick McGee." I'm telling you, get John's biscuits in your mouth hole. John's biscuits are giant, fluffy and delicious. Yes, that's what she said. And she was right.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade