Six Breastaurant Concepts That Should Really Exist in Dallas

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I traveled north of The Wall (Frisco) last weekend and noticed that there are so many breastaurants around, restaurant owners are having to get creative with their boob-food themes.

If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a breastaurant, let me explain: It's food + scantily clad female employees. It's Bennigan's, minus pants. It's a strip club, minus actual stripping plus more chicken strips. It's the kind of place a man goes when he wants mediocre fried food and some good old-fashioned sexism. It's soft-core food porn. (Try not to notice the high chairs.)

Of course we have Hooters, Twin Peaks, Bone Daddy's and Bikinis, but a quick boob-food Google search tells me there's also Redneck Heaven (Lewisville) and even The Tilted Kilt (Frisco).

We would never ever want breastaurants to fizzle out of popularity, because who doesn't love a side of motorboat with their fried cheese? This in mind, I submit some additional knocker-cuisine themes that I think could be extremely popular in Dallas. Restauranteurs, you're welcome.

Tex-Mex A friend mentioned that there is not yet a Tex-Mex breastaurant in this town. While I find that difficult to believe, it appears to be true. (Although sources say that this might be the theme of Matt McCallister's new spot. And I haven't been to San Salvaje yet, so I can't confirm that the food concept there isn't boob-driven.)

Name ideas: Tits-Mex, Tataquería.

Vegan How come there's nowhere in this town to get a nice rack of boob with your quinoa? Raw bar plus raw cleave. It's a James Beard Best New Restaurant award waiting to happen.

Name ideas: Seitan's Boob Lair, Namastaint.

Locally Sourced All the boobs are local, farm-raised boobs, and the food is all locally sourced, too.

Name ideas: Farm to Nipple, Locaboob.

Gluten-Free There is a shortage of gluten-free options at restaurants in Dallas. Let's see an entire gluten-free menu and raise it boobs.

Name ideas: Gluten-Freeboob (no bras allowed); Chico's (it would just be a Chico's retail store with no food in it except those super expensive gluten-free lollipops, but we'd invite the salespeople to rock some of that nifty-at-fifty boob (but only legit old boobs, no plastic).

Fried Fair Food Only but Also Boobs State-Fair themed boobstaurant with a Big Tex who sets himself on fire every hour on the half hour. It's BYO food and they fry it for you. Also, there are boobs.

Name ideas: Big Tex's Boob Carnival, Tilt-a-Boob.

Vending Machine Food This takes the sadness of the fried fair food concept and cranks it up a notch. The only food here comes out of vending machines and is served to you straight from your waitress' cleave or from your waiter's warm pants. We would call the place, simply, "Junk."

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