Complaint Desk

Six Things We'd Like to See Artisanal Versions of in Dallas

In Dallas, there's not a lot that hasn't been artisanal-ed already. We've got artisanal dog biscuits, artisanal popcorn, artisanal toast, artisanal vapes and we've even got a bunch of artisanal chicks bitching at each other every Monday night. But, we still have a few things in this town that could be way more artisanal-ed. 

Could one of these be the next artisanal craze in DFW?

Move over, Colgate. It's time to start brushing our teeth with a homemade paste made by a toothpasteologist. First, he muddles locally sourced mint leaves with lime juice and a touch of sugar. You are served the paste on a toothbrush and handed a mix of rum and soda water as mouthwash. Get into Mojito brushing, available exclusively at Knuckle Sandwich Co. For an extra $10, Eddie Campbell will brush your teeth for you.

Dry-aged chicken nuggets
Dry-aging beef is old news. It's time to dry-age the shit out of some chickens. And even better: It's time to bring that dry-aged shiz to the frozen foods aisle. Introducing dry-aged chicken nuggets. The chicken is locally raised in your neighbor's backyard in Little Elm, where they run free and gleefully dook all over everything all day. The chicken is gently slaughtered while Enya plays on a portable Beats By Dre speaker, then nugged, then put into a Ziploc bag and aged in Matt McCallister's garage beer fridge for 45 days. It sounds convoluted, but once it hits your lips, you're like, "I get it now." Serve with homemade ketchup made from the two cherry tomatoes your backyard garden produced this season.

Tired of the same old plastic sporks? Well, they're tired of your bitchy ass, too. Sporks are getting a The Swan-level makeover, and they'll only be available at The Mansion and Wendy's. Brought to you by Lenox, these silver sporks will be used for every meal, from seven-course to #7 combo.

Four Loko
You haven't artisanal-ed until you've artisanal Four Loko-ed. Barrel-aged in Zima-kissed barrels for 24 hours, these new Four Lokos will steal your memories and put fist-sized holes in all the drywall within a 1-mile radius. They'll set you back about $1,000 each, but that's mostly to cover damages and jail time.

Baby food
"Holy diaper dump, Mom. This Stage One apple compote is delish." Baby food has already gone green and organic, but we can do better. We're talking three-course meals with infused water pairings. Three out of four pediatricians agree: if he's going to live in Dallas, it's super important to make sure your baby gets a solid lesson in douchebaggery before he's 13 months old. As the trend progresses, Gerber partners with Tim Byres to make a line of teething toys for infants. Spoiler alert: They're beef ribs.

Forget saline — fill your boobs with food. Choose olive oil, so you never have to say, "Crap! We're out of olive oil" ever again.  Or go with white wine, because hiding a flask is super annoying. Wanna go big or go home? Choose to fill your bosom with the tasting menu from Uchi (with pairings), or 700 foie gras-stuffed prunes from Lucia, and become everyone's favorite foodie. Artisanal titties are the best titties.
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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade