Complaint Desk

Forget Artisanal Toast — Artisan Vaping Is a Thing

By now, you've heard about the artisanal toast trend that is taking Dallas by toast storm — and by "by storm," I mean making everyone on Facebook raise their artisanal toast-hating pitchforks.
But there's more: There's Artisan Vapor. I drove past their store yesterday, and I really feel like the whole "artisanal vaping" thing has been underplayed. Clearly the storefront has been there awhile, and not one of us flipped our collective artisanal shits when they rolled in their artisanal vaporing wares. So, I submit that we flip those shits now.

Now is the time to overly social-media-freak-out about artisanal vapors. And here's why: They might not be here for much longer, so we only have a small artisanal window inside which we can lose our artisanal minds.

The FDA has brought electronic cigarettes under federal authority, which means that hundreds of e-cig brands will have to undergo federal review to stay on the market. Health warnings will also be added. Perhaps they will include a No Affliction Shirts Whilst Vaping clause.

How, exactly, does one vape artisanally? I vaped for the first time recently, and one thing I know for sure: What I was doing was decidedly un-artisanal. It was like inhaling a bottle of Febreze. Like a hot fart of air freshener was being shoved down my lung. Vaping tastes like a recovering alcoholic Care Bear with a chronic case of mouth chlamydia feels. And some people appear to really, really love that feeling. They love it so much that they pay a lot of money to get that feeling regularly. And where there are people paying lots of money, there is always opportunity to ask them to pay more by labeling the thing "artisanal." 

They say that at Artisan Vapor, "We offer a wide variety of quality electronic cigarettes and accessories, manufactured by the top companies worldwide. We carry our own line of E-liquid manufactured in Texas from the finest ingredients sourced within U.S." 

Oh, man. "The finest ingredients." The finest flavored nicotine waters? I mean, I guess I want the finest shit money can buy if I'm going to get into this habit. I certainly don't want any edible underwear Clearly Canadian bullshit going into my lungs. "Is this organic, 100 percent cage-free vapor? Are these free tramp-stamps-with-purchase locally sourced?" It's all just overpriced nicotine water, right? So, they're essentially Whole Foods-ing and putting a piece of asparagus inside a water bottle, so now it's "infused" and it's $8? 

In my best imaginary version of this place, it's a store just filled with cigarettes and tobacco and papers. "This is the truly artisanal way to vape. We're bringing back the old-school vapor here. You probably didn't know, but long ago, people used to wrap tobacco in paper and then light that with fire. You've gotta try it. It's a whole different way to get nicotine into your system. You can taste the history as it hits your lungs. So artisanal."

If you insist on artisanally vaping, just promise me you'll be holding your vape gun device thing in the back of some vintage Z Cavaricci's while you judge someone nearby for getting their GMO vapes from some bullshit mainstream corporation. You're doing it right.

Artisan Vapor , 4404 Lemmon Ave. 972-925-0474
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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade