Cheap Bastard

Wok China: Believe in the Cheap Chinese food God

The sign at Wok China that reads "No refunds. Exchange only" might scare away some diners, but not me.

That was true especially once I saw that every entrée on the drive-through menu is $5.49, which gets you a nice healthy portion of the dish plus way more rice than you could ever actually want to eat. The only tricky thing for me was ordering. I'm still not sure that I did it correctly. There were signs everywhere that said, "come to window"—which could mean a couple of things, considering that they had both walk-up and drive-up windows. Just as I was about to drive my car up to the walk-up window, God (in a very Mr. Miyagi-ish voice which is exactly how I'd always imagined he would sound) spoke to me through some invisible intercom and asked me if I was ready to order. I was born ready to order. I asked for the Mongolian beef and a drink, and after a short wait at the window my Chinese-food savior delivered. He made my food to order (as proven by the sizzly wok sounds), and as he handed over the goods the MSG angels sang to me.

Chinese Food God said to me, "You pay now?" and I said, "Oh, yeah—here's my card." And that's when Chinese Food God went from all rainbows and happy shit to fucking annoyed. He hit me with a fierce hairy eyeball (Old Testament Chinese Food God-style) and pointed to the sign on the window (thunder clapped) which has dozens of photos of credit cards on it and then at the bottom reads, "CASH ONLY." Shit.

I came back with cash a few minutes later (turns out it's easy to steal candy from a baby, but it's waaaay easier to steal money from a baby) and squared away my debt. Tip: When you pay, even though it's tempting to "make it rain" on Chinese Food God, don't do it. He is not cool with that shit.

The Mongolian beef was solid. It was soy-sauced up, and the meat was tender and tasty. The rice wasn't anything special—but to be fair, I didn't order anything special. If you're looking for fancy Asian fusion, you won't find it here. But surprisingly enough you won't find food poisoning here either. Woot.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade

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