MORE

I Fucking Love Girl Scout Cookies

It's Girl Scout Cookie Time, bitches! I heard them say it on the radio, so it must be true. And it is! If you go to the Girl Scout cookies website, you can type in your ZIP code and they will tell you exactly how many minutes and miles you are away from shoving two sleeves of Thin Mints into your face hole.

You can organize your search by date and time or by distance. Obviously if you truly love Girl Scout cookies, you don't give a shit about the distance and you always organize that search by date.

"Date: NOW! Distance: WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCKING SAMOA!"

If their website is telling me the truth, this weekend is when the shit's going down. This Saturday, it looks like the Girl Scouts will have a stand fulla Do-Si-Dos at every Tom Thumb, Kroger and Walmart in Dallas that I've ever heard of. They're even at Lowe's. LOWE'S, PEOPLE!!

I Fucking Love Girl Scout Cookies

It's kinda freaky to know exactly when and where I can get some hardcore cookie action. Girl Scout cookie-ing used to be so mysterious. You'd show up at the grocery store to buy some beer, peanut butter and tampons, just like always, and BAM! Girl Scout Cookie Fairy appeared out of nowhere.

Or you'd get some mass email from a dude at work begging you to buy some cookies to "help your community" or some shit, and even then he'd make you wait eight million weeks before you'd get your shortbread fix.

Now, I know exactly when and where the drop's gonna be. It's like I'm inside the Girl Scout Cookie cartel. And now that I know all this should-be-top-secret cookie intel, it's on. Hope you didn't want any Thin Mints, Everyone Else In Dallas, because they're all mine. MINE!!!

You will be mine. Oh yes, you will be mine. You delicious, minty bitch.
You will be mine. Oh yes, you will be mine. You delicious, minty bitch.

Holy shit, it just told me there are Girl Scout cookies in Hurst right now. I'm just 26 miles away from eating a whole table of cookies. All I have to do now is Google, "Where the shit is Hurst?"

Follow City of Ate on Twitter. Follow me at @thecheapbastard.


Sponsor Content