Eff You, Lice, and the Little Lice Horse You Rode In On

Dearest Lice,

Fuck you very much. Fuck you for jumping onto some kid's head, and then onto my kid's head. Fuck you additionally and this time more aggressively and angrily for then jumping onto my head. I will end you.

I know that you were sent to earth to remind parents that they are dumbshits for becoming parents. I know that, just like Gary Busey, you exist just to gross people out. I thought that, of all the bugs in the bug kingdom, I hated mosquitoes the most. Mosquitoes 100 percent blow. Lice, you blow infinity percent.

I will kill you all until you die. And then kill you some more. Before I kill you, I'd love to give your family lice just so you can understand what an ass pain you are. I'd love to see you washing all your bedding in your lice house every night for two weeks. I'd love to see your little lice paws shoving all your tiny lice headbands and lice hair accessories and lice stuffed teddy bears and lice blankets and lice pillows into lice trash bags and sealing them up for days. You would know the pain of having to wash your lice kid's hair with lice shampoo and conditioner every night and then yelling at the sky as the lice teachers at lice preschool tell you three more lice kids have gone home with you on their heads. But the people at Hair Fairies tell me that's not physically possible.

Hair Fairies is a place in the Shops at Park Lane where you can get deloused. They comb through your hair for hours while you admire their Restoration Hardware furniture and IKEA kid toys. They talk and you learn that someone once asked them if Hair Fairies could check to see if they had lice in their pubes, and they had to say, "I'm sorry, that's a different bug that you have to handle elsewhere." I asked if there was a place called "Pube Fairies." Apparently, there isn't. I digress. Hair Fairies charges humans approximately one million dollars to get rid of lice, and they have us by the balls because if we try to get rid of you by ourselves and miss even one nit, you stupid lice will immediately build more shitty condos and strip malls on our scalps. I will not have another lice Sbarro on my head. I just won't.

Though I have been lice-free for two weeks, my scalp itches as I type this. Fuck you, lice.

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