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Five New Cologne Ideas Appropriate for Dallas

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This little gem has been circulating the intertubes the last few days, repulsing even the most avid of book lovers. Hey you, do you have a home library with full walls of bookshelves? Oxblood red sofas with brass tacks and a ladder with which to scale your erudite collection? Keep multiple copies of Ulysses, rare John Milton and Ben Johnson folios? Live under a stack of Steinbeck, Faulkner and Hemingway, craving the feel of their masculine weight pushing down, heavy atop your chest and thighs?

If you love literature so much that your wildest fantasies include a dark and sexy, tweed-blazer clad partner who is literally, if slowly, transforming into an actual, musty old book, we can build him; we have the technology. It's called Paper Passion, and it's only $115.

This odoriferous innovation has changed everything; the sky is the limit, friend. Inanimate objects? No problem. But, it got us to thinking: what if we go bigger? What if we bottle this city! Imagine the goldmine we're sitting upon right here among the smells of Dallas. Check out our prototypes.

5. Oil d'Derek

They don't call them "barons" for nothing; with the Ewings making their return to Dallas this summer, fragrant fashionistas are chomping at the bits for a whiff of our natural gas inspired blend. The masses, however, will have to wait until early next year for its public release, as T. Boone Pickens has already bought up our entire inventory.

4. Eau de Maserati Sure, she loves you for your personality, your integrity. But, our delicate blend of Italian muscle is enough to send any discerning lady right over the edge. Doesn't matter that the bottle only comes in 2 ounces when it smells this big.

3. Barbacoa de la taqueria We Dallas ladies don't eat, but we do of course like to tag along for a nice glass of water when our men do. No red-blooded America male can resist the aroma of shredded beef, slow-roasted over an open fire. One dab on the neck will bring out his most primal passions - vampires, werewolves? Who needs them when you have a hungry Texan.

2. Calatrava Steel The most expensive in our line, and also the most divisive. Imported from Spain, this luxurious blend tells him you're worth a cool $117 million. Synthesized in our labs from ingredients known to cause decades-long rifts among neighbors, this will have potential paramours fiercely contending over your luminosity.

1. Scent of a Savior Few men can ever truly live up to the most highly-regarded male figure in a good Dallas girl's life, but that mustn't preclude one from trying. She may spend hours on her knees for Him now, but you're just one Messiah Complex away from really taking her higher.

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