How to Be the Perfect Scarborough Fair Asshole

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Confession: I have not only attended Scarborough Fair, but I have shown up in costume. Multiple times. Sober. Not on a dare. During college. With a choir group, and we totally sang period-appropriate tunes without being asked to and without being paid for it.

Because we were nerd rebels. I once held the title of "Head Wench," which is not nearly as interesting as it sounds. It mainly involved skipping gleefully. Stop being so jealous of how radical I am.

What is Scarborough Fair, you ask? It's the outdoor theme park (read: dirty field) version of Medieval Times. It's a Renaissance festival complete with jousting, the wrong random women wearing really frightening chainmail bikinis, turkey legs, some dude complaining about how his doublet doesn't fit like it used to, hundreds of pounds of sunburned white person flesh (somehow, more than you've ever seen at a Wet 'n Wild, even though I know that seems physically impossible), a few Bronies, and for some unknown reason (read: boobs), mermaids.

I can't go back to the Scarborough Fair again -- something about kicking a Minotaur in the mystical beast nuts ("Fantasy animals aren't period-appropriate!!") -- but you should. It's open weekends through May 26th and tickets are just $22 per adult. (That translates roughly to 50 gold coins or a solid blowjobbe.)

When you go, here's how to be the perfect Scarborough asshole:

1. Shitty British Accent For No Reason. Everyone hates it! So definitely do it. Louder = better. Also, it's imperative that you continue to weave in current slang phrases such as, "LOL," "bae," "I'mma." Example sentence: "I'mma retire to ye olde booze shoppe, y'all!" And if you can, make sure to point out every hour or so that you're saying "realise" and not "realize."

2. Say "boobs" every time you see Renaissance cleave.

3. Dress as Joffrey from Game of Thrones, run around being a total dick all day, and poison yourself every hour on the half-hour. (Spoiler? Whatever. That news is a decade old to this crowd. You're just late to the nerd party.)

4. Ask every person you see in costume if "they're serious."

5. Go all Little Mermaid on someone's ass. Someone hands you a fork to help you cut up your steak-on-a-stake? You stab them in the eye with the fork and yell, "It's Fite Tyme!!" You see a mermaid wearing sunglasses, slap them off her face. See someone drinking a Dr Pepper ("the official beverage of the Scarborough Renaissance Festival") tell them they're bullshit. Someone's iPhone rings? You yell, "WITCHCRAFT!" and throw it into a fountain. Nobody can be mad at you: it's olden times code.

6. Twerke.

Have a lot of beer and a lot of beer at Scarborough Faire. And be sure to take a long hard look at your life choices when you sober up. That turkey leg was totally overpriced.

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