Alice Column

How to Brag About Your Kid (Lie Like a Big Dog)

If you're a parent, it's essential that you learn how to brag about your child as soon as possible. After all, parents are competitive about their children as soon as the kids pop out. (Sometimes, even before the kid's born. "My pregnancy was super easy. I loved being pregnant! My baby was 16 pounds and I gave birth to her naturally, while I was folding laundry and reading War and Peace to my 4-year-old." "Oh yeah? I threw up every day and was on bed rest for 14 months and then gave birth in a taxi that was on fire to a 27-pound baby.") It's essential that you learn how to brag about your child properly, and as soon as possible. To get you started off right, here are 10 brags that should cover you until your child is in kindergarten:

"He skipped crawling and went straight to winning marathons. We're having trouble finding space for all the medals."

"My infant sharts at a fifth-grade level."

"She. Loves. Raw. Brussels sprouts. I can't get her to eat a cupcake. She just won't do it."

"We're worried because he's only made it into five kindergartens. Probably because his IQ score was only in the 99th percentile. So frustrating."

"Your kid has trouble sleeping through the night? That must be awful. My kid has slept 12 hours straight, woken up and made us breakfast since birth. Sounds like you need a better schedule."

"When adults ask for her autograph -- and they do -- it's so cute how quickly she properly spells her name in cursive."

"What does 'terrible twos' mean? I only ask because my daughter is 3, and still I don't know what the sound of her scream is like, because we've never heard it."

"She's 4 months old, but she already knows algebra. I know she knows it, because I asked her, "If x+2=3, what is x?" and she pissed herself."

"He babbles fluently in eight languages."

"Oh, you're breastfeeding? That's really so good for them. My toddler drinks the milk from her own breasts now. We're just so lucky we had a girl."

Feel free to use these tips, whether they're true or not. It's a proven fact that nobody can call bullshit on a kid brag, because if they do, they look like instant dicks.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade