Film and TV

The A-List: Dallas, Episode 2: Everybody Cut (Ashley) Footloose

Last night on The A-List: Dallas, our beautifully bitchy cast members (get acquainted here) cut loose at a Footloose-themed pool party. People were pushed in water, punches were thrown and potentially season-long beefs got beefier. Let's dive in.

Scene 1: Crazy-haired pixie Chase and ditzy blond Ashley hang out at his bare-bones abode. They're scheming and brainstorming ideas for Chase's annual summer soiree, and they quickly decide on a Footloose/pool theme (makes total sense). The discussion quickly moves to flash mobs and their shared desire to be part of one. So much can get done when two people are on the same page! Well, for now, at least ...

Scene 2: Cute-faced gay Republican Taylor arrives at his aesthetician's office for some laser hair removal. In all the right places. "Levi likes to tame hairy stallions in the rodeo, but not in the bedroom," Taylor explains, referring to his fellow cast member and ex. They're rekindling their flames, see, so Tay-Tay needs to be smooth as a baby's ... you get it.

How could anyone NOT get it, when half the scene consists of Taylor lying spread-eagle on a table, wincing at every laser pulse? Sez Tay in voiceover: "Vanity may be a deadly sin, but I think it's a sin to look ugly." Preach!

Scene 3: Cowboy and resident heartthrob Levi invites Ashley to Taco Diner to discuss his on-again, off-again relationship with Taylor. Ashley finds out some dirty details about the two guys' intense sexual dynamic. They once banged in a bucket chute at a rodeo. So, obviously, there's some chemistry there. But Levi is concerned that Taylor doesn't take relationships as seriously as he should. So they're now in take-it-slow mode. I should tell you that Levi's perfectly coiffed hair distracts from everything else in the scene. Seriously. His hairdresser should have been in the background with a sign reading, "I did that."

Scene 4: Apparently those endless PR e-mails sent out on behalf of celebrity wedding planner Donnie Brown work well, because he's the go-to guy for the Chase and Ashley Footloose extravaganza. They meet with him in his office (both in canary yellow shirts) to give him the rundown of what they want. It's decided that they'll have the party at the Ilume pool. They also decide to have a token muscly straight man on the invite list. Luckily, Donnie knows a DJ who fits that physical description. Whether this DJ can put together a good set is beside the point. As long as he has the "Footloose" MP3, right?

Scene 5: Levi is the only person who can stand to be around the shit-stirring stylist Phillip, so the two go for a walk around the lake. Before we know it, the exercising has ceased and Phillip is pulling out some co'beers. The drinking leads to a heart-to-heart about being gay. Seems Phil's Southern Baptist mom isn't too cool with his lifestyle. It's here that we see a more human, less irritating side to the guy.

Scene 6: Speaking of irritating, we find the drunken drama queen James sitting alone at Dream Café, sipping from a cocktail that he's spiked with his own hooch. Chase arrives with the purpose of telling James something to the effect of, "Listen bitch, you can come to my party, but if you cause even the slightest bit of drama like you did in the last episode, youze out." Chase is much more subtle in his delivery, though. "I do not want what happened at Dish or the Rodeo to happen at my party. And it will not happen. [Knowing eyes.]" James stays calm, but seems annoyed in cutaway. "The lecture's kind of pissing me off. Don't fucking invite me to your party if you don't want me there." I see a drama-filled party in the near future.

Scene 7: Chase, Ashley, Donnie Brown and a British lass named Cassandra gather for a tasting, in order to finalize the pool party's menu. Ashley makes vomit faces and holds back gags at the unveiling of every dish. But only after saying a pre-sampling prayer. "I don't eat anything that comes from the ocean," she says. And then she has a problem with pork belly, God bless her. Cassandra finally gets fed up with Ashley's pickiness: "We're running out of dead animals."

Scene 8: Phillip allows cameras into a therapy sesh with an understanding nodder named Alicia. He wants to talk more about his mommy issues. "I don't want my mom not to accept me," he says before tears build up. Hard not to feel for the guy at this point, even if I'm having flashbacks to his horrid behavior in Ep. 1.

Scene 9: Taylor and Levi go on a waterside picnic. Levi in cutaway: "I know I shouldn't get too excited about rekindling things with Taylor, but when I see him, I just wanna dip him in hot sauce." Hot sauce? After laser hair removal? Thank god it's just a figure of speech. The exes' picnic conversation covers James' jealousy, Phillip's tendency to air everyone's shit in public and their own sordid romantic history. And then, they kiss. Awww.

Scene 10: Ashley rehearses her flash mob performance with a handful of dancers. She scolds them for not knowing the routine yet. "This is not applause because it was good, right? This is the beat." Damn. Ashley don't play.

Scene 11: Phillip goes on a date with Leo, whom he calls a "sexy Mexi - just my type." They find some common ground in talking about their parents' failure to accept them fully.

Scene 12: Walkthrough at the Ilume pool. Donnie Brown makes a remark about Ashley's cutoffs: "I can see your Pikachu." Ashley isn't amused. And her mood gets worse when she finds out there's not a natural space for her flash mob. Chase and Donnie make it worse when they find out she's only got 12 dancers. "A flash mob should be half the guests in the area," Donnie says, lips pursed. Ashley gets so frustrated that she has to give herself a timeout. Chase, quickly becoming my favorite cast members, doesn't miss a beat. "I don't know whose party she thinks this is," he says to Donnie.

Scene 13: Chase's party at Ilume is on. Everyone's there, and Phillip's even brought his sexy Mexi. This doesn't stop him from entering into obnoxious-Phillip mode. He annoys the other cast members, so they try to avoid him at all costs. Crazy James walks in with the full intention of causing drama. He does this by jumping behind the bar and pouring shots for his companions, because "the drinks are taking too fucking long."

Phillip runs to every cast member he can find and tattles on James. Won't let it go, despite the others not really giving a shit. Phil gets so loud and on-edge that Taylor can't resist shoving him into the pool. Problem is, cowboy Levi goes in with him. Getting wet in public - even if it is at a pool party - proves embarrassing and maddening for both Levi and Phillip, so they chase Taylor around the party in a rage. Phillip finally catches up with him, and throws a punch or two. Somewhere in the middle of all this, Ashley's flash mob goes off without a hitch. But I think we can all agree that a bitchy boy fight is more entertaining than 12 people doing Footloose choreography, yes?

Point is, Chase, I want to be invited to your next party. I mean it. By the way, your hair looks nice today.

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Hunter Hauk