Film and TV

The A-List: Dallas Episode 4: Chase Takes a Slurry Lover

This week on The A-List: Dallas, our cast members engaged in one long, drunken game of Telephone. As usual, it ended with sex, rage and bananas. Let's do this.

Scene 1: We open on the object of everyone's desire, cowboy Levi, as he auditions models for his upcoming Inchwear launch party. Lest you forgot, Inchwear is the very upscale line of drawers and trunks that display one's dick size in a giant font. And the waistband's a functional ruler! As men come in to Prestige Model Management to show off in the skivvies, Levi makes it a point to lay on his Southern charm, all thick-like. "Lookin' at these guys is like bein' in a car lot and just wantin' to drive 'em all," Levi says in cutaway. Scene ends before he's able to make any jokes about operating a stick.

Scene 2: The season's two resident dark forces, Loose Lips Phillip and Crazy James, sit side-by-side under hairdryers at a salon. Perfect setting for gossip. And boy, has Phillip got some good dish. He's been dying to spill the beans about the "secret" relationship between Levi and RepubliTwink Taylor, especially since he knows it'll make James so jealous. "Are you upset about it? How do you fee-ull?" Phil asks a gritted-teeth, steely eyed James. Such a kind person, Phillip is. So concerned about the feelings of others.

Scene 3: Levi joins Taylor for a dog walk on Knox, where's he's questioned about the nature of their "secret" relationship. Tay-Tay wants to know whether they're exclusive boyfriends yet. "You and this 'boyfriend' word," Levi responds. Guess the answer's no? He's even harsher in cutaway: "Taylor is so jealous that he has to have a leash on anyone he dates, and that's the most unattractive thing about him." We get it. Cowboys need to space to roam, freedom to lasso all kinds of critters.

Scene 4: More prep for the Inchwear party. Now Levi and a marketing specialist are checking out a private home he can rent for the event. Levi reveals that he's decided to dress his underwear models in gorilla outfits, and have them slowly strip down to the Inchwear. It all feeds into an evolution theme, since he's evolved so much as a person and businessman. Blah-de-fuckin-blah. All we can focus on in the scene is Levi's green-shorts, purple-shirt outfit. It's awesomely tacky.

Scene 5: Levi again! He's sampling rare steak and vino at Braza Dancante with his high-haired darlin' of a castmate, Chase. He tells Chase about the photoshoot from last week with bubbly blond Ashley behind the camera and Phillip in front of it. It turned out Ashley's photos were unusable "crap." Chase somehow avoids choking on his beef as he envisions the drama to come. Then Levi unloads about his current fling with Taylor (is there a person in town who HASN'T heard about it?). Chase is none too happy. "I try not to be too rough on Taylor in front of you ... but I just think he's a piece of shit." Not too rough at all!

Scene 6: Phillip and Chase shop around on Cedar Springs. Phillip can't stop talking about how excited he is to see the photos he shot for Levi's Inchwear line. But we know that Chase knows (from the cowboy's mouth) that said photos will not be used. Awk-warddd! Finally, Chase decides to issue Phillip a warning: "So, honey, about your pictures ..." This gets Phillip all wild-eyed and confused. Wait until he tells Ashley!

Scene 7: Chase and Levi work out together at Larry North Fitness. The grabass factor is high, which leads us to believe that they're becoming more than just bench-press buddies. And then Chase tells us in his own special way, in cutaway, that he's lustin' after Levi: "I do know Levi doesn't like a completely submissive person. And that's why he needs a little bit of this, okay? [Pulls down collar to reveal tuft of chest hair.] ... I'm in a cub phase. It's nice. You're welcome." Back in the gym, Levi gives Chase an ass-slap on the way to the changing room. [Big eyes.]

Scene 8: Another gym, another pair. Phillip and Ashley straddle bikes at Energy Fitness. He's breaking the news to her that Levi's shunned both of them with the decision not to use the photoshoot pics. Ashley's incensed. "I dropped everything that I was doing to make those photos happen for him." Then, in cutaway: "He could have just told me that to my face. Like, you don't have to go tell everybody else and play telephone." It's decided that Levi will be confronted, bitchily, at his Inchwear party.

Scene 9: James drops in on Levi at the family ranch unannounced, simply to let the cowboy know that the word is out about him and Taylor. Things quickly turn awkward, and Levi exits barn left with his pretty horse-y.

Scene 10: Levi (again!) meets with stylists to discuss the logistics of the gorilla suits. Why this is being filmed is unclear.

Scene 11: Guess who's in this scene? Yep, Levi. He's gathered Taylor and Chase (since they enjoy each other so much) and a mostly unfilmable friend named Neil for a private game of poker. Thing is, Levi knocks back the whiskey so fast that he's almost instantly drunk. And he begins to lash out at Taylor, who doesn't know how to play poker. Poker ace Chase flirts heavily with Levi, which upsets li'l Tay-Tay even more. Before we can say "Inchwear," Levi's falling out of his chair and Taylor's crying. Crying. Chase in cutaway: "Who cries at a poker game?" RepubliTwinks who can sense their "secret" relationships crumbling, maybe?

Scene 12: Final run-through before the Inchwear party, at the location with the gorilla-suited models. It's obvious Levi just wants to be surrounded by half-naked men all the time, and has created an underwear line for that explicit purpose. And the handy ruler on the waistband helps him do all his important measurin'. Win-win.

Scene 13: The party's on, and James arrives with the enigmatic blond side character Brayden, whose favorite thing to say is, "Are you seriousss?" We hope Brayden gets his own episode soon. His reaction shots are money in the bank. Anyway, the gang's all here, minus Taylor who's in D.C. on "business" (my guess: Conservatives For Laser Hair Removal convention). This presents Levi the opportunity to flirt with Chase, privately gifting him a bottle of sweet-tea vodka. "Levi knows the way to my hawrt," Cutaway Chase tells us.

But the good vibes can't last all night, because Ashley and Phillip are ready to confront Levi about the whole photo-shoot sitch. Levi's been more intoxicated with each respective scene in this episode, so he fails to recognize the seriousness of the situation. Phillip, of course, chooses to throw Ashley under the bus whenever she walks away. Disgusting.

Following the big gorilla-suit strip-off in front of the pool, the cast drama continues. Ashley hurls a drink in Levi's general direction after he makes a snide comment about her dress and its nipple imprints. Hard not to be amused by the cowboy at this point, even if he's being a total jerk-wad. But he's talking into a banana and slurring his speech. This is reality-show gold. Ashley sees him again outside the party, walks into a second nipple joke and throws yet another drink at him (with a side of face slap). Levi couldn't care less. Especially when Chase walks out to take advantage of his drunkenes-, er, drive him home. A friendly kiss leads to a lover kiss. We can taste the whiskey through the screen. They drive off toward sexville.

Tune in next week to see what happens with the Levi-Taylor-Chase triangle.

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Hunter Hauk