Tools You'll Need to Survive an Earthquake, Dallas Style

What's causing the Dallas earthquakes? (Most likely fracking.) Is it the long-dormant Balcones fault suddenly coming alive? (No.) Is it fracking? (Yes.) Is it the devil, here to claim Jerry Jones' soul? (Maybe.) Perhaps the land is just trying to tell us we don't need another goddamn music venue/plaza combination. Really, we don't know what's causing them. (Yes we do, it's fracking.) But we do know that Dallasites are freaking out with each new tremor, even though they've been pretty wimpy. That said, you still need to be ready in case things take a turn for the worse. We put together the most Dallasy emergency kit possible to keep you safe from the rumbles.

Balcones Whiskey See what we did here? If you're lucky, Pogo's on Lovers and Inwood might still have a bottle.

Bottled Water You know, something a little pricey. A brand that donates proceeds to children, or a local one like Crazy Water. Really, if you're not getting your water from Central Market you're wasting our time.

Portable USB Charger For your phone, tablet and sex toys. It's 2015; if your sex toys aren't USB capable you're doing it wrong.

OG Kush I have been told by several friends on the West Coast that the best way to deal with quakes is to just, like, chill. So have some of Cali's favorite strain, and just ride the tremors out, bruh.

Books Let's not forget to argue over where to buy them. Yes, there's Half Price, The Wild Detectives and that new bookstore downtown, but does Dallas have a real bookstore? Should we debate this endlessly on social media without making a decision, and not actually read? It all depends on what neighborhood you live in.

The Ticket App For live news updates in case things do go wrong. (Plus, entertainment news at 4:30 p.m.!)

The Dallas Observer Site Really,we produce some decent things for you to read. You've got slideshows, lists, Schutze, long-form pieces, weather live-blogs and a music section that's waging a war on bro-country. What better way to pass your time? It's not like you're interested in the ranking of Southlake doctors.

Twitter Follow @jaimesonpaul for hot breaking news, jokes and 3 a.m. discussions of Josie and the Pussycats.

A Working Netflix Account Black Mirror was just added, and Peaky Blinders is available for streaming as well. Or, you can finally watch Orange Is The New Black and House of Cards so you can stop faking your way through cocktail-party conversations. A 3.4 earthquake won't knock your Roku out of service.

A Dog This is the face of a being totally unfazed by earthquakes. He just wants you to throw the damn ball. Do it, it'll take your mind off the random shaking.

Rope Every safety kit we looked at mentioned a good rope. Now, we're not sure what makes for a good rope, but we're sure that if Home Depot doesn't have one, you can get one at Pink's Western Wear, REI, or if you're feeling wild, the bondage expo is coming up.

Eatzi's No MREs for us Dallas folks, just the fresh-made, Uptown glory that is Eatzi's bland, pre-made and overpriced meals. Bonus points for the chance of running into a certain ex-President, and striking up a discussion of FEMA response times.

A Band of Marauders Listen, if a huge earthquake does hit Dallas, we're all pretty much fucked. It's doubtful any of our buildings are prepared for that type of event, and no one has insurance for it. So if it does hit, chaos will reign. You might as well start going through your Facebook friends list and choosing who's going to join your band of marauders, and help you take over vital parts of town. Me, I'm choosing my doctor friend, that military guy, and my friend Aurora -- she teaches yoga, is a raw vegan, loves Chivas and owns more guns than any person I've ever met. She's not to be trifled with. Just know this, if the big one hits, the REI/Trader Joes/Whole Foods area off of Preston is Falcon territory, and we won't take kindly to strangers.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Jaime-Paul Falcon

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