Eat This

Fine, Whataburger, We'll Eat the Jalapeno Cheddar Biscuit

Fast food breakfast is coming in all sorts of portable shapes and sizes these days. There's the billfold shape, the cylinder, the oddly perfect sphere and the oblong doughnut, and -- looking at you,Taco Bell -- the frisbee / ninja star. Thanks to the enduring charm of the fast food industry, the one that continues to surprise us with new batshit food items, we will surely get new, futuristic items like ghost eggs and the deep fried thumbs up.

Whataburger, however, is often immune to the madness. Their new products involve such absurd food creations as chicken, peppers, and green chiles. The newest release --brace yourselves -- the totally normal-shaped jalapeno cheddar biscuit.

I squealed tires into the Whataburger on Greenville at midnight (it's available from 11 p.m. to 11 a.m.), where the drive-through talker couldn't have been more cheery. The voice, slightly muffled and crackling, said, "Did you say want the jalapeno cheddar biscuit?"

Why yes, kind talking sign!

"Do you want cheese?"

Why, of course I do!

"No hot fresh cinnamon roll tonight?"

Whoa, what? Are you hitting on me, Whataburger?

That's fine, I'm getting the jalapeno biscuit with bacon egg and cheese. Once delivered, in that brilliantly striped Whataburger bag, the eternal conundrum of every fast food customer arose:

Should I annhilate this thing while I'm driving or be forced to endure the interminable drive home before it's in the face hole?

I chose to wait.

The first bite of the Whataburger Jalapeno Cheddar Biscuit with bacon, egg, and cheese resulted in one, instant clear thought: "Oh, so this is what I'll be eating every Friday night now, forever." Firstly, it has that buttery, crunchy biscuit thing going on. Next, there's that zap of the jalapeno, which wasn't too spicy. Thirdly, there was an egg on it that was the realest egg I've seen on a fast food breakfast sandwich since a real egg.

The bacon was that thin, somewhat-invisible scotch tape-sized bacon, but it was difficult to care through the hazy, biscuity realization that this was the new drunk food. Also (and this was a happy surprise), the biscuit with bacon only sets you back 380 calories. I mean, 910 mg of sodium, but, hey, you could do worse. The green things in the biscuit are vegetables, right?

Your move, Chik-Fil-a.

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Nick Rallo
Contact: Nick Rallo