Foods to Eat While in Quarantine. And on 4/20.

4/20 is a special day in my culture. I guess there are probably some people who write about fast food semi-professionally who don’t have an edging-toward-troubling relationship with what's celebrated that day, but there probably aren’t many. Let’s just say I don’t know anyone like that.

So here’s a list of the best things to eat today. Now I can call the last several years of my life “research for a column.”

IHOP Crepes

On 4/20 last year, DoorDash gave me pancakes instead of the crepes, and I got the order free. I would say I like free pancakes about as much as I like full-price crepes, but what’s better than an ill-advised food order you end up not having to pay for? It’s also inevitable I would get a wrong order from here because it’s not exactly a rare occurrence for me to decide a 3 a.m. IHOP DoorDash makes sense for my life.

All Little Debbie Products

These snack cakes are alright when sober, but they’ve got a bit too processed an aftertaste. But once you get your brain swimming, you’re not paying attention to these little details. You’re just taking in the Sugar Rave dancing on your tongue. I have Swiss Cake Rolls and Nutty Bars as my primary staples, but variety is the spice of life, so I’ll cycle in the whole lineup every couple of months.

Red Baron Pepperoni Pizza

This is another one where a nice bowl can smooth the rough edges, turning this boxed dish from "processed food disk" to "delicious flavor circle." I assume the pepperoni is really just pressed sawdust, but when I’m too far gone to think about that, they do taste delicious.

Whataburger Hash Browns

I have no beef with all-day smokers, but I concentrate my activities in the nighttime, and that’s also when Whataburger concentrates their hash brown supply. I usually pair them with a bacon taquito, but not always. I recall a night out in Deep Ellum after a friend’s wedding when the party ended up at the Capitol Avenue Whataburger and an order made up only of three hash brown bags felt right. I look back fondly.

Dairy Queen Fudge Stuffed Cookie

Your mileage may vary, but I find this the most extravagant item on the DQ menu. What do you think is more decadent: a Blizzard with some tiny cookie pieces or getting your soft serve paired with a full cookie that is then filled with fudge?

Greenville Ave. Pizza Company’s The Doobie

This is the only item on the list I haven’t tested extensively, as it’s only now being unveiled, but it’s hard to imagine this going badly. This one has a slice of cheese pizza topped with Flamin' Hot Crunchy Cheetos wrapped around a crack-fried chicken breast, topped with a drizzle of ranch and served in a Cheetos bag for $10. I’m thinking it’ll be the perfect choice to elevate my celebration this year. It’s fried chicken wrapped in pizza.