Complaint Desk

Ted Cruz Admits He Hates Avocados, Is No Longer Fit to Serve Texas

Since his election, Texas Senator Ted Cruz has riled liberals and even irked fellow conservatives with a faux filibuster, his condescending tone with other lawmakers and his willingness to hold the country's economy hostage to score cheap points with his base. But this week, Cruz crossed the uncrossable line, breaching an ideological wall that no Texas lawmaker has breached before or ever will again.

Ted Cruz, the Observer has learned, hates avocado.

Cruz revealed this disturbing truth in an interview with The Des Moines Register in which he admitted that he "despises" avocado and also admitting he "dislikes it passionately." This is extremely distressing and raises major questions about his judgment and abilities to represent the people of the great state of Texas.

Cruz also said he wasn't serving in office because he desperately needed 99 new friends in the US Senate. Well he might want to think again because guess how many friends he has back home now? None, because Ted Cruz just spit on something we hold dear. Dissing guacamole is a sin against Texas and cannot stand.

Texans deserves a senator that represents our interests, and Cruz is clearly unfit for such a task because he doesn't even understand the people he is serving. How can you understand Texas if you don't enjoy chips and guacamole on a sunny patio every once and awhile, or if you've never discovered that perfect mix of avocado, lime juice, and salt at home? There was a time in my life when I didn't like guacamole, but I was 10 and then I got over it. Now I couldn't imagine my life without it. It would be like being colorblind but with my mouth. The things we eat literally become part of the cells in our bodies, and Cruz's cells aren't made of any guacamole. Which means I can't trust him. He might as well have been born in Kenya.

This also explains Cruz's outsider persona. Everyone else in his family loves avocados, yet Ted Cruz stands alone, the sole disdainer of the sacred avocado. I assume he has family members who don't speak to him anymore. Because, let's face it, this is the most mortifying thing Cruz has said or done since being elected to office. And considering the depth and breadth of all that is Cruz, that is saying a lot.

This is what happens when we elect a Canadian. We have only ourselves and the general crumbling of our political system and culture at large to blame. Well not me, because I voted for someone else. But you know who you are. And you know what to have to d: Avocados in 2018.

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Liz Goulding
Contact: Liz Goulding