Continuing their quest to squeeze every single cent from parents nationwide, Disney has decided to re-release The Little Mermaid in select theaters under the billing "Second Screen Live." What the hell is second screen live? Glad you asked! Second Screen is Disney's iPad app that invites film watchers to "interact" with what they're watching via games, extra features and lyrics for the songs. In other words: It's everything the Alamo Drafthouse stands against.
Disney has decided to roll out this event in just 12 theaters nationwide, and wouldn't you know that the Cinemark in Plano is the only one in the South. So yay, go Plano. We here at the Dallas Observer are the nostalgic sort, so when we found out about the event, a few of us were excited. Sadly, we think the whole concept of Second Screen Live is an abomination to the whole movie going experience. So, with that in mind, if we must see a movie where people are playing games, we'll play our favorite type of game: a drinking game.
Here's 15 rules to not only help you get over the fact that the Planoites next to you are casually updating their Facebooks while the movie is going, but to get you in the right mindset to revisit your youth.
DRINK every time a made up name is used for an everyday object. Scuttle is your best friend if you're trying to get a quick buzz.
DRINK when Ariel pops up on that rock at the end of "Part of Your World." You know 6-year-old you tried to recreate that shit in the pool.
FOUR DRINKS You just realized that Flounder is not a flounder; your mind is blown, time for booze.
DRINK when you notice King Triton's boss old man abs. Who knew they had P90x under the sea?
DRINK every time you catch yourself singing along to the movie.
DRINK whenever you recognize the fish version of a famous musician. I see you, Duke Ellington fish.
DRINK every time a sea creature is used as a human object, i.e. a starfish as a barrette in Ariel's hair, whatever it is Ursula uses to paint her lips, etc.
THREE DRINKS every time the tween in front of you uses an iPad for something other then Second Screen. The little brat isn't giving Ariel and friends the respect they deserve. Do not rip said iPad away from tween, that's a surefire way to get arrested.
DRINK every time you sort of think Ursula is the best part of the movie. She inspired a whole slew of future drag queens and we thank her for it.
TWO DRINKS every time Sebastian says something stereotypically Jamaican. Stereotypes aren't cool Disney.
DRINK every time Prince Eric is really dim. Seriously, he guesses Mildred when trying to figure out Ariel's name.
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DRINK every time Ursula's henchfish Flotsam & Jetsam share that creepy look they get before they do something assholish.
DRINK every time you think something the Chef is cooking looks kind of good. You most likely think this because you've been drinking through this whole movie -- you might want to get some popcorn.
DRINK when the guy in the theater starts openly debating weather human Ursula or Ariel is more of a babe. Pass me your flask, cause I'm most likely the guy having said debate.
CHUG when the clergyman who officiates the wedding starts getting an erection, You know you've seen it and you can't unsee it, so you might as well drink it away.