You've been ignoring the fact that Christmas is only a few days away, and you've still got nothing for that family member or friend in your life who consults crystals instead of a gastroenterologist and believes non-homemade toothpaste is equivalent to cyanide.
You don't have the nerve or inclination to give them something they really need, like an intervention, and the holidays are going to be awkward enough with that Trump-loving uncle who's still struggling with his buyer's remorse. Thankfully, there's a place to buy gifts for them, and you don't have to ask the god of spiny fertility to deliver it to you by Christmas.
Goop launched a miniature version of its health and wellness store called Goop Gift in Highland Park Village that will stay open until Dec. 24. So we took a perusal around the pop-up store's stained oak shelves and picked out some of the stranger stuff in between the fancy shaving accessories and gold-plated board games.
1. Marble Dumbbells
This carefully crafted set of rock weights that can help you achieve rock-hard muscles looks pretty cool for something that's bound to gather layers of sweat or dust. But why buy a set of weights for their looks? They all end up looking and smelling the same way if you actually use them.
Besides, nobody looks attractive as they lift weights. Everybody who tries to lift something beyond the threshold of their muscles makes a face that looks like they are trying to pass a bouquet of long-stemmed roses through their lower intestine. Wouldn't it just be cheaper to give them an actual rock of marble? They could lift the rock for exercise and chisel out a set of dumbbells, learning a valuable trade.
2. Shine 24-Karat Gold Rolling Papers
As we all know, Texas is still one of those stubborn remaining states that refuses to join the 21st century and make marijuana legal. So it amused me when I overheard one of the store's friendly and helpful employees say to another customer that these shiny rolling papers are for "the stoner who has everything." If such a stoner exists, they may have everything, but they don't remember where any of it is, so you can still just buy them whatever the hell you want for Christmas.
This item, however, does add a little bling to the act of smoking. Imagine walking down the street and lighting up a "J" with a paper made out of solid gold. You'd have everyone's attention, including the two narcotics cops who need to make their arrest quota before the end of the year.
3. A "Write a Letter to the White House" Kit for Kids
I get it. Making fun of President Donald Trump at this point is like making fun of the comic strip "Marmaduke." Every day, things just get worse, with each newspaper delivery giving us more and more reasons to mock. It's tiring for both sides of the political aisle.
If we were at any other time in history, this would just be an innocuous kit that helps children learn the dying art of handwriting and mailing a letter. Let's all come together on something as one nation and admit that selling this kit at this point in history is funny because both sides know he's not a reader. He gets more news from a TV screen than shut-ins with illegal cable hookups. You're more likely to get a response from him if you mailed him an unopened bag of frozen vegetables.
4. Altitude Oil
I don't know what this does or what it's for, although I stared at the bottle for five straight minutes. I didn't bother to pick up the box or read anything beyond the front label of the bottle because it felt like it would be more meaningful as a mystery than to be given the answer to why anyone needs oil to treat the effects of altitude. It's a literal mystery in a bottle.
Is it for really tall people who live in high-altitude regions where their scalps are more exposed to the deadly gamma rays seeping through our punctured ozone layer? Is it for airline passengers who want to get rid of the swamp ass smell that can only be produced by sitting in a poorly reclined seat for 10 hours straight? Does it prevent unwanted floating? I don't know, and I don't want to know. Somehow, the world makes more sense to me this way.
5. Balls in the Air
The box says that it's a "comprehensive vitamin and supplemental regimen that supports a
How would my or anyone else's "balls" being in the air increase daily energy efficiency? If they are "in the air," then something has gone horribly wrong.
6. Matcha Sticks
The first time I spotted this item on a lower shelf at the store's central kiosk, I swear it said "Match Sticks" and I thought, "Why in the hell would any store let their customers try their matchsticks right in the middle of all this flammable merchandise?" So I picked up the box, asked an employee if this indeed contained matchsticks and they pointed out that the "Try Me" sticker and my strategically placed thumb were covering the "A" at the end of "Match." These are "Matcha Sticks."
What are they? According to the manufacturer's website, matcha is something that can "bring your calm focus anywhere" and "enhance mood and create
7. Pink Light "Self Love" Spray
I get what this is for, and if you don't, ask anyone but your parents. It's just that "self-love spray" is the ickiest name you could give any product. PetSmart could call their adorable puppies "self-love friends" and make you cringe so hard that your neck would cave in on your shoulders.
The product also says it contains essences of three words I've never heard and "quartz crystal." I never thought I could know less about women until this very moment. Do women need crystals to keep things running smoothly like the USS Enterprise's warp drive engine on Star Trek? I suppose using that simile explains why I know so little about women.
8. Blue Crystal Coconut Butter
To be fair, I haven't actually tasted this gluten-free, GMO-free and anything-but-free coconut butter. I'm sure it's tasty and nourishing, but why does it have to be blue? It looks like they blended a Muppet in cornstarch.
Avocado toast is delicious, but the green glop on brown bread still looks weird. Spreading any blue substance on toast is worse. It would look like it was drooled on by one of the infected Canadians from David Cronenberg's Rabid.
9. Bio Brightener Invisible Powder
My first thought when I saw this on a shelf was, "I wonder if it makes people invisible." Of course, I realized that was ridiculous, but it just started a thought-snowball that has yet to find level ground. I almost forgot to pay my car insurance because I couldn't stop the questions from avalanching.
For starters, if it's "invisible powder," how come you can see it when you open the can and does that mean it's defective and merits a return? Maybe the powder turns invisible when you place it on your skin. Then how does this powdered substance "brighten" your skin if it's supposed to be invisible? And if it truly was invisible in the strictest sense of the word, how would you know that you're not just buying an empty jar with "invisible powder" written on it? I need another Matcha Stick.
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10. Sex and Lover's Oil
I'm really not sure what this does, how you're supposed to use it or if there's a difference between "sex oil" and "lover's oil." If they are separate, then I can sort of deduce some of the possible uses for the lover's oil, but where does the sex oil go? How do you put something on your "sex?" Lovers are required to create the act of sex. So why would you need just one of them? If there isn't a lover to put the oil on, then it's just "self-love oil."
Either way, I'll bet it tastes amazing on toast.