We've Got Some Ideas for Elon Musk's New Texas Town

Apparently, Elon Musk has the kind of money where he can just buy a town like the Rose family did on Schitt's Creek before their money was lost to an embezzler. The only difference is he's not buying it because it's a hilarious joke for a prank birthday gift. Then again, it might end up becoming a joke, considering what he's done to Twitter in just the last few months.

According to the Wall Street Journal, Musk is buying a town dubbed Snailbrook, near Austin, to relocate his Tesla headquarters. Here he will set up shop for his electric car business, build 100 homes and install special amenities like sports fields and a pool.

If Musk really wants his new "Musk-topia" to reflect the legacy of its new owner, we've got some suggestions for other things he might want to build before he cuts the ribbon with a giant pair of novelty scissors.

Twitter Town Square

Twitter was already a stomping ground for the angriest egos on the planet, but since Musk took over and started reversing bans on white supremacists and other loudmouths, the whole place has turned into a 24-hour screaming match. Since Twitter has become the world's "town square," why not merge the old and new ideas into one giant, not-so-safe space? Musktown's Town Square could be sponsored by Twitter and become a place where strangers come together, hear each other's thoughts and ideas and immediately get berated and screamed at right in their face. It may just be a bunch of random people calling each other racists and fascists, but at least they'll have to do it in someone else's face instead of behind a computer screen.

The Musk-Yuks Comedy Club

Every city in America should have a place where people can tell or enjoy jokes in a live setting. Live comedy can give a town character, flavor and style. Musk's town should have one as well, but Musk-Yuks is a little different. Elon can be quite the cut-up on social media. He's posted "jokes" about farting and pooping on more than one occasion. He's cracked wise about his own company that's caused stock prices to wildly fluctuate at the drop of a tweet. He openly makes fun of people and can't take a joke when it's about him. That's why all of the comedians who take the mic at Musk-Yuks are thin-skinned 13-year-old teenagers who show no mercy about making fun of people in the meanest of ways but cry openly when someone dares to make a joke about them.

The Electric Police Station

We'll give him this. Electric vehicles may not be the fix-all solution to our climate crisis (sure it doesn't use gas, but in some parts of the country the electric grid is still powered by coal) but at least it's an earnest step in the right direction. So if Musk wants to continue his mission to electrify the world, he needs to go all in and build a police station that's entirely electric. We don't just mean all the cop cars should run on batteries. Every available amenity from the plumbing to the weapons that Muskington PD officers carry into the field should be powered and/or emit electricity. Having a town that doesn't operate on handguns could have a dramatic effect on the state's mounting gun-related incidents. Having an electricity gun could also come in handy next winter when the power grid freezes up again.

The Elon Musk Employment Training Center

Musk has a certain style of leadership that guides him through his respective companies. The management style is yelling, bullying and acting like a petulant child, but that's technically still a style. All communities need steady employment to work, and a brand-new town trying to compete in this job market will need a place to help future employees become the leaders of tomorrow. Musk City should have some kind of open source employment training center that can mold the next generation of leaders in Musk's image. They'll learn vital skills like how to cut a third of a company's vital workforce and not care one lick about it, use their social media platform to efficiently fire people in the most embarrassing of settings and even explain how having clean restrooms can be an optional amenity for your workforce. It might sound cruel, but if AI is going to replace us all one day, we might as well rip off the bandage now.

The Town Crier Newspaper

No community can call itself such a thing without an active and insightful newspaper. Even a place like New Musk City needs a paper it can call its own. However, this small town newspaper won't tell you about the cool new play that's premiering at the civic theater or the school's lunch menu for the week. It'll just feature stories about the latest things that Musk is crying about, whether it's how unfairly Dilbert creator Scott Adams is being treated after outing himself as a blatant racist or the people he's made cry at his various companies and ventures. At least he'll have a place to do it that's not Twitter.