On last night's Most Eligible Dallas finale, Courtney and Matt took important steps toward a long and lasting love affair.
OK, you're right. It's all bullshit.
That much was confirmed in the Watch What Happens Live episode following the finale, in which Andy Cohen alternately questioned and poked fun at the two "lovers." Courtney took it all in stride and let her wino side fly free, as Matt evaded questions about his new "friendship" with Real Housewives star Taylor Armstrong.
So, right, nothing really happened on this show set in our fair city. But, ahem, here's what happened in the final episode.
Scene 1: Courtney and Tara check into Adrift Float Spa for a little session in the tanks. "Floating is huge in Europe," the spa employee tells them. "It's one of the most age-erasing things you can do." Sounds scientific. After sulking over the shortage of wine in the joint, the two soon-to-be floaters dish about their respective romantic situations. Tara warns Courtney that rumors have been flyin' about her upcoming getaway with Matty. C-Dawg insists it's just a friend trip. Tara seems skeptical in cutaway. Then, they float.
Scene 2: On a walk with his French-fry-loving canine, Drew decides to give it one more shot with Cody by calling and inviting him to dinner. He still feels it's important to lay all his intense feelings out on the line. Cody's comfortable playing the victim. You can hear his muddled contempt over the phone. Poor Drew. All he did was give some S4 tart a peck on a drunken Saturday. Haven't we all done it? No? [Awkwardly smokes cigarette.]
Scene 3: Matt, Glenn and Glenn's dolt of a punting prodigy, Brett, get together at a local stadium to throw some pigskins, or whatever people call that activity. Glenn drops the info bomb that he's soon packing up and moving his cleats and collection of body oils to Oakland. But the real meat of the conversation is, of course, Matt's relationship with Courtney. Glenn's come to the sudden realization that Courtney is totally in love with Matt. Wow. Where does this guy get these crazy notions?
Scene 4: Time for Drew's come-to-Jesus meeting with the love of his life (or season?). Cody walks into the restaurant looking like he already regrets showing up. This doesn't faze our Drewcifer. He drops a genuine-sounding L word on the guy, as planned. Cody's ultimate response couldn't be bitchier. "We need to go our separate ways. I just really don't want to be around you. Have a good night." Don't worry, Drew; there are other fish in the sea. Why, five of them are starring in a Logo show that's airing in your timeslot!
Scene 5: Back from commercial. Drew's drivin'-n-cryin', so he asks Tara and Daylon to meet him at the Grapevine. From there it's tears and hugs. Hoop earrings and deep v-necks. Longing looks and levity.
Scene 6: Matt calls his "lakehouse director" at Possum Kingdom to make sure everything's squared away for his friendly getaway with Courtney. He's a man of action: "We've got to make sure those hot tubs are fired up and warm." Yes, sir, Nord-man, sir! Over at Court's, she's putting together outfits and subtly freaking out about the adventure that awaits her. AND THEN, Matt's picking her up, giving her a cup of flavored coffee and being "Sweet Matt." Cutaway Courtney eats it up. She even refers to him as "Matthew." Tastefully-fonted wedding invitations flash before our eyes.
Scene 7: Apparently, Neill is still on the show, because she's seen shopping with her mother for the perfect outfit to wear to her big debut concert. "I am very much so a free spirit," Neill says in cutaway, as we watch her try on conservative dresses.
Scene 8: Courtney and Matt arrive at Possum Kingdom and check in to the "Inn Hotel." Really. It's called that. See, the Nordgren Lake House isn't quite done (read: the family land is just ... land), so they have to make do with this place. Our leading man and lady go on a horseback ride. Courtney manages to make it amusing by pointing out horse farts and moments of Matt douchitude ("You're like an urban cowboyee. [snicker].") The gallop fest ends, not surprisingly, at the Nordgren land, where the two BFFs settle in waterside. They hold hands. They touch heads. Everyone knows what's coming.
Scene 8: Jody Dean drives Tara to a gas-station restaurant that isn't Fuel City. We can't decide if Tara's lingering horror at her surroundings is a put-on or the real deal. Jody makes endless truck-stop jokes that distract us from the uncertainty.
Scene 9: Back at Possum Kingdom, Court and Matty make S'mores over a campfire. She calls him "Matthew" again. He licks chocolate off the tip of her nose. Fireworks LITERALLY go off across the lake, and cutaway Matt claims he had nothing to do with it.
Scene 10: Gas station. "Can you believe [this is] in the back of a dad-gum gas station?" Jody asks the world. Tara's warming up. Him: "When we leave here, if yew want, we can get yew a scratch-off ticket and a Slim Jim." Her: "Can you get me some Copenhagen, also?" Guffaws in the city.
Scene 11: Hot tub time. You've seen the previews. Courtney and Matt finally make reality-television history and slowly bite each other's lips. Both cop to enjoying the lip biting in their cutaways. After a commercial break, they are already analyzing the meaning of it all in the hot tub. "That could never happen in Dallas," Courtney bellows. But wait, there's more lip biting! One last aggressive kiss before they go to their separate rooms at the Inn Hotel. In the safety of her room, Courtney laughs like a Disney witch.
Scene 12: The entire gang is back in the Big D, preparing to support Neill's musical debut as Kitty Lala. [Insert your own damn joke.] At a brief dinner scene before they head to La Grange, Glenn announces he's leaving for Oakland the next day. Everyone acts shocked and saddened, but the collective attention eventually shifts back to the Court-Matt dynamic. They're obviously in afterglow mode.
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Later, as Neill prepares to take the stage, Matt and Courtney are pulled aside by their besties, summer-lovin'-style, to be questioned about the Possum Kingdom trip. Matt plays coy with Glenn. Courtney spills everything to Tara, Gregg Asher, Drew and Daylon. Kitty Lala goes on. Neill does her best angry, nasal frontwoman. Matt and Courtney slip away for a secret kiss in the back of the venue. I look at my watch, halfway consider firing up Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on the DVR.
Scene 13: In what could be dubbed by overly optimistic viewers a cliffhanger final scene, the episode ends with a WTF phone call from Tara to Courtney. T's just learned that her bumbling cowboy, Jody Dean, is STILL MARRIED. "I feel just, like, sooo betrayed right now." Watch what happens?
Tune in later as we shift our focus to A-List Dallas. This reality train ain't leaving any time soon.