Ah, Halloween. The holiday in which we celebrate the one night a year when it's not a huge red flag to see someone walking around drunk in blood-splattered clothes. Running low on costume ideas, or just wanna wear your snark on your sleeve? We're here to help, with some locally inspired costume ideas sure be a hit at your party or the office.
Ladies, please note: These costumes are all unisex. Just follow the instruction, exclude the pants, cut a hole somewhere near the center of the shirt, and tell everyone you're "Slutty (fill in the blank)." No one will know the difference.
10. Nasher/Museum Tower (couples costume) What better metaphor for relationships than going as the Nasher and its arch-rival Museum Tower? If you're the Museum Tower half of the costume, make sure to carry a flashlight to shine directly into the eyes of your better half. (A blow torch might work, too.) The only thing brighter than the glare from your highly reflective surface should be the glares of fellow partygoers, who are probably as sick of the Nasher/Museum Tower debacle as we are.
9. Josh Hamilton and His Sobriety Companion If you and a friend are single and looking for the ultimate tandem costume, you can't go wrong with Josh Hamilton and his sobriety buddy. For the Hamilton portion of the costume, all one needs is a Sharpie to draw on cheesy tattoos, a chunky cross necklace and a smug sense of Jesus-approved superiority. Oh, and a Dodgers jersey.
For the sober buddy part of the costume, all you have to do is follow your buddy around and constantly (and violently) slap beers out of his hand, while simultaneously trying to keep him from motorboating random females. This is one of those ones where the line between where the costume stops and the wearer begins gets seriously blurred as the night progresses.
8. American Airlines Pilot Why not take that labor-dispute frown and turn it upside down by dressing as an American Airlines pilot? Grow a patchy beard, get a little tipsy, show up a few hours late to the party and proceed point out any and every flaw you can find. End every sentence with, "Sorry folks, we've gotta go back to the gate," and make sure to constantly tell people to look out the window for shit they don't care about.
7. White Rock Marathoner The barrier for entry on this one is incredibly low. Do you have a sheet of paper and a marker to make a number for your shirt? Do you have sneakers of any kind? Do you have a t-shirt and pants (again, ladies, skip this step)? Do you revel in the schadenfreude of watching frustrated citizens all across Lakewood and East Dallas shake their fists at you for closing off all their streets and rendering them unable to get to brunch? Congratulations, you've successfully completed the White Rock Marathoner check list.
6. Violentacrez This one's for the braver and/or stupider among you. It can either go over really well or you could end up being jumped by an angry mob. Or both!
Violentacrez, of course, is the recently outed Reddit troll who toiled in the site's creepiest subreddits, including "creepshots" and "jailbait." To truly carry off this costume, it helps if you've reached a point in your life where you live a pretty mundane or miserable existence and have easy access to 3XL Hawaiian shirts. Make sure to wear sunscreen to perfect the pasty complexion of someone whose primary light source is the sad glow of a computer screen. Then, and here's the tricky part, walk around offering people surreptitiously taken pictures of barely legal females. Don't worry, if anyone threatens you, just remind them that you're just practicing your freedom of speech. That should totally diffuse the situation.
Next up: Get your blow torch ready.
5. Nolan Ryan* Throw on a Rangers windbreaker, some khakis and a constant scowl and you're halfway there. But again, like the Big Tex thing, the voice is the make-or-break element to this costume. This can also easily be made a couples costume by having your other half dress as a snow monkey and attacking you all night while you throw Hershey Kisses at her.
*No going as Slutty Nolan Ryan. That's just weird.
4. Kinky Friedman A cigar, a ten gallon hat and a cheat sheet of country witticisms is all you need to pull off this one. Just print this off and find a way to work in one every half hour or so. I would also just like to take this opportunity to point out that Texas once had a gubernatorial candidate who said, and I quote, "I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry, it's just not in a place I can show you." Yep, that totally happened. And yes, I totally voted for him.
3. Randy Travis Few local celebrities have made us laugh and then feel terrible about witnessing the downward spiral of a country star and then laugh again like Randy Travis. Rule No. 1 for this costume: take a cab.
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With a well-done and tasteful fake black eye and a reasonably disheveled and glassy-eyed appearance, you've got this one in the bag. Don't forget to let your voice bottom out at the end of every sentence to give it that true Randy Travis touch. Bonus points for walking into a gas station naked, demanding a pack of cigs.
2. Dallas Bicyclist and Driver (couples) Do you know a recently separated or newly divorced couple looking for the best way to announce to friends and family that they are splitting up? This one's for them. What better way to work out their aggression toward each other than with a bicyclist and motorist couple's costume.
If you're the motorist, you're going to want to load up on water bottles and empty fast food bags to throw at your bicyclist. And bicyclists, you're going to want to slip into some spandex and then simply get in front of everyone at the party and walk incredibly slow while reminding them that what you're doing is totally legal. I don't see how this could possibly end badly.
1. Burning Big Tex It's as if the Halloween Gods heard there was a shortage of local costume ideas and decided to throw us a bone by taking Big Tex from us in a deep-fried inferno. I would highly recommend not actually immolating yourself for the amusement of your friends or to win a $50 bar tab in a costume contest; just some well-placed flame decals are all that are standing between you and first place. But it's the voice and the creepy slow-wave that makes this whole costume come together. Get working.